The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I was chatting to my local priest today and noticed he was very clean-shaven as always. I was impressed and asked him what his favourite grooming product was.
I was a bit surprised when he replied "Haribo."
 
Thought this was a good out of office message.

"I do not answer emails at the weekend. If it is an emergency then phone my mobile. If you do not have my mobile number, then you do not have a weekend emergency"

Dave
 
Two Men are Drinking in a Bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says:-
"You know last week I discovered that if you Jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the Building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the Bar down.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you, a friggin Nut or something.??? There is no way in Hell that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's True let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the Bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a One Time Fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he Jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the Sidewalk with a great big "SPLAT"..
'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other Drinker and says :-
"You know, Superman, you're a complete prick when you're Drunk."
 
My kid hasn't stopped looking through the window this morning since #StormCiara started.

If it gets much worse I'll probably have to let her in.
 
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