The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Mr Badger said:
I had a row with my wife yesterday about me working from home. "How am I supposed to cook dinner when you've got your bloody stuff spread all over the kitchen table?", she shouted. Sometimes I think she should never have married a pathologist.
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Well, I'm quite sanguine in saying that I think you two can bandage your relationship quite easily.
 
This was sent to me by a retired Doctor friend,


For those of you (like me) who are struggling to understand the current regulations, I provide a simple explanation:-

It won't infect people at a wedding... unless there are more than fifteen people. It also won't infect anyone at a funeral, as long as there are no more than thirty people.

So not only can the virus count, it can also differentiate between a wedding and a funeral.

It does spread in pubs, but only after 10 pm and not before. It also only infects if you're in a group of more than six... but not at weddings or funerals, obviously.

Masks do work, that's why people will be fined for not wearing them... but not in pubs, because as already discovered the virus doesn't infect pub goers until after 10 pm.

Cinemas, gyms, etc are also immune from the virus, because the virus can't afford cinema tickets or gym memberships.

Schools, where kids gather in large groups, are also immune as the virus doesn't like learning... but those same large groups of kids can't meet up outside school, because that's when the virus will get them as it waits outside the school gates.

The elderly should be isolated and protected from the virus... unless they're needed to babysit. So grandparents can't see their grandkids socially as it's not safe, but can babysit them, because the virus knows the difference between wanting to see grandkids because you love and miss them (which the virus hates) and having to see your grandkids out of obligation (which the virus is fine with).

The virus will definitely get at you at home, if you meet up with family and friends in a controlled environment, but not in a pub, where you can meet up with the same family and friends in an environment you can't control, with many other strangers... well at least up to 10 pm anyway.

The virus also sticks to specific postcodes, this is why some areas have stricter rules than others.

Oh, and grouse hunting is perfectly fine in large groups regardless of any rules !!!
 
Mr Bastable said:
Two cannibals were eating a clown, one turned to the other and said "Does this taste funny to you?"
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copyus righticus Pliny the elder!!!
 
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore
 
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