The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

On a beautiful summer's day, two tourists were driving through Wales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress:

”Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”....................

The waitress leaned over and said:



”Burrr … gurrr … king”
 
A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall, he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going up. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" The man replies, "No, you know anything about dynamite?"
 
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6-weeks, he's looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4-weeks, he's looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2-weeks he's looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. Three years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him president. Now, the whole country is looking for work."
 
THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE. PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY. BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS IN TRYING TO RESPOND TO ONLY ONE QUESTION FROM HIM.

Wife: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
Husband: YES
Wife: HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
Husband: USUALLY ABOUT THREE.
Wife: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
Husband: £5.00

(THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

Wife: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
Husband: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE.
Wife: SO A BEER COSTS £5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT £450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY £5400 CORRECT?
Husband: CORRECT!
Wife: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND £5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT £108,000 CORRECT?
Husband: CORRECT!
Wife: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?

Husband: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
Wife: NO.
Husband: WHERE'S YOUR AIRPLANE?
 
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