The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

There was this girl who really wanted a boob job, so she went to see a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones told her the cost would be $3500.00. She then told Dr. Jones she could not afford to spend that much, so he told her if she waived her hands like a duck quacking in front of her breasts daily saying, "Mary had a little lamb, her fleece was white as snow," her boobs would begin to grow. The next day she was on a bus and remembered she forgot to do the chant. She began to secretly do it, and while she was doing it, a gentleman turned around and asked her if she went to Dr. Jones. She then asked why? He replied with a hand motion moving up and down chanting, "Hickory, Dickory, Dock."
 
A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
 
Its not totally accurate going on personal experience, but I'm sure we can all relate one way or another.

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Peter123 said:
Yes that's about right in my experience. You missed off Parcelforce which, below Royal Mail but above Hermes.
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Parcel Force:

Monday - Package dispatched by seller for 24 hour delivery

Tuesday - We have your package

Wednesday - We have your package

Thursday - Yes, we still have your package

Friday - Package? What package?
 
Wot? No blood?
 
Cobra said:
Its not totally accurate going on personal experience, but I'm sure we can all relate one way or another.

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My experience of Hermes when delivering to my work is that they'll hold the package at the local depot for over a week then return it to the sender & mark it as delivered!
I had a large number of parcels at the start of last year where this happened, including a few sent via a different courier but then subcontracted to Hermes.
They've always been quite effective delivering to home but before Covid there was frequently no-one at home. These days the kids will probably be at home but still in bed!
 
Cobra said:
Its not totally accurate going on personal experience, but I'm sure we can all relate one way or another.
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I’m pretty lucky with all of them. The only fairly frequent occurrence is with Amazon apologising for non-delivery when in fact it has been delivered — I think this happens only with 3rd party deliveries and I usually message the seller to tell them it has arrived — some glitch in their system.
 
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has, getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
 
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