The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Only in Europe/Africa/Oz/S. America. The USians celebrate it next Thursday, and Canada/China in February.
 
An old man goes into the chemist to buy some viagra.
He asks the pharmacist, "Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters please?"
The pharmacist replies, "I can cut them for you, but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
The old man replies, "I'm 96 years old, I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't p*** on my slippers !"
 
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. He says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the man replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the man says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the man "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the man asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over."

"THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know ... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
 
Last edited:
Went for a walk past a farm with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"

I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: "Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell." [emoji41]
 
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
 
Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 
Dave was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Dave decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Dave. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Dave soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Dave. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Dave thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Dave. Although he survived, it took several months before Dave fully recovered.
Now Dave was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Dave, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
 
Ordering a Pizza in 2022.

Caller:
Is this Pizza Hut?

Google:
No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

Caller:
I must have dialed the wrong number, sorry.

Google:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

Caller:
Ok, I would like to order a Pizza.

Google:
Do you want your usual sir?

Caller:
My usual? You know me?

Google:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

Caller:
Super! That’s what I will have.

Google:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

Caller:
What? I don’t want a vegetaria pizza!

Google:
Your cholestrol is not good sir.

Caller:
How the hell do you know that?

Google:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Caller:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Google:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

Caller:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.

Google:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

Caller:
I paid in cash.

Google:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

Caller:
I have other sources of cash.

Google:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source which is against the law.

Caller:
WHAT THE HELL!

Google:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Caller:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet and TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

Google:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first, it expired 6 weeks ago. . . . .

Welcome to the future. :jawdrop:
 
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
 
So I was at Lidl earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about £200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was an ALD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a ALD? I told her it stood for Arse Licking Dog. She said Arse Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my bum clean, because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.
 
broc said:
I can remember seeing 1mb of storage for an IBM 360/195 mainframe in the early 1970s, it occupied a frame approximately 6ft x 6ft by 1ft and had wheels on it.
Click to expand...
They had lots of very small people with tiny fingers to thread the beads on the wires for the core memory! :naughty:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top