The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
 
•

I was told this quote said from Mark Twain:


Taking about the US
We enjoy three fundamental privileges in this country:
  1. freedom of though
  2. freedom of speech
  3. and the wisdom not to use them!
 
A Rabbi, a priest and a conservative, gay atheist sat down in a room and chatted about (among other things) religion.

Possibly NSFW

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFzy1l_WoAs


Did I mention they were smoking some weed? (FWIW, I'm guessing it was in a state where such intoxicants are legal!)
 
The rebound is a Granny hooker?
 
Nope. Can't get past the "YU" in the top line...
 
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her Husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*****d?!"
 
Steep said:
DON'T FORGET: clocks go forward one hour on Sunday the 26th of March, then they go back sixty years on Wednesday the 29th.
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And perhaps when you finally get independence, they'll leave the damned clocks alone.
:p
 
Looks to me like there is no EXIT data!
 
You sure you'd want to get out :D
 
This decade's bazongas are next decade's knee warmers...
 
my flipping mouse keeps scrolling upwards ,WEIRD naughty naughty ingrid :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: best ear muffs i have seen for a while
 
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During a lull between speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over 200 words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realise that he just repeats the words - he doesn't really understand what they mean."
"Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot."
 
the black fox said:
my flipping mouse keeps scrolling upwards ,WEIRD naughty naughty ingrid :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: best ear muffs i have seen for a while
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Sorry :( I promise not to post any more pictures like that ;):D
 
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