The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

love it when you do selfies Ingrid
 
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.
'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!
But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start..."
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.

"I'd better go back and see if I can find them.

Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.

A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence,I surprise him, grab hold of it and say,

'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 
Headline on BBC News - "Heather Locklear charged with battery"
 
A midget is riding a London bus when a blonde steps on him:
The first time this happens, he decides not to say anything because it's been a good day for him.
However, once again the blonde steps on him, so he turns to her and says! "Hey you, little Miss brunette, watch where you're going!"
The blonde looks down and says! "I am not a brunette, I am a blonde!"
To which the midget replies! "Not from where I'm standing, you're not!".....
 
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