The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

DorsetDude said:
Took the mrs for a romantic meal last night and played footsie under the table
I had a nice steak and she got toed in the hole.


Got home and I was pulling off my boxers before bed and the she said to me "You spoil those bloody dogs!"
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So good you posted it twice eh? :p
 
Northern Rail announces the ultimate solution to train delays and cancellations

Northern Rail revealed radical plans to deal with its timetable disruption today, with the announcement that it will now just place a single, completely stationary 5,000-carriage train on the tracks between Preston and the Lake District, leaving commuters to walk through the train themselves to get to their ultimate destination.

‘This looks like a particularly efficient solution to the problems we’ve been facing of driver shortages, late running engineering projects and difficulties in implementing a new timetable,’ argued a spokesperson for Northern. ‘You can get on at your usual station, whenever you want, and stroll through the carriages at your own pace, enjoying the excellent scenery and the interiors of our classic 1970s rolling stock.’

‘Under this new service, we don’t actually need any drivers, which is a bonus for us,’ continued the spokesperson. ‘And we’re pleased to announce that we’ll be employing a couple of extra staff to sell customers Kit Kats and cups of tea – for information, they’ll be in carriage 1842 just outside Lancaster, and carriage 2776, two miles past Oxenholme.’

‘I’m pleased to see these innovative solutions to what is a difficult situation for us all,’ noted Chris Grayling, Secretary of State for Transport. ‘Journey times are expected to increase by a few minutes under the new arrangements, with times between Oxenholme and Lancaster estimated to be five hours for a reasonably fit 30-year-old woman walking at a brisk pace, rising to 35 hours for a clinically obese 55-year-old man, a figure which takes account of the fact that he would have to edge through the carriages sideways on.’

‘Unfortunately, since the trains are stationary, passengers will not be able to use the toilets at all,’ continued Grayling. ‘However, since this has been fairly normal for Northern commuters for many years now anyway, we don’t anticipate this will cause any significant problems.’

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2018/06/...ervice-to-one-stationary-5000-carriage-train/
 
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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
 
How do you make a small fortune in photography? Start with a big one!

How can you earn money from photography? Sell your gear!

What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and photography? A large pizza can feed a family of four.......

How do you get the professional photographer off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza!

What did Cinderalla say when she left the photo store? Someday my prints will come!

How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Polearoid!


:exit:
 
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvrers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
 
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
 
A 72 year-old guy loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom.
 
My drummer mate just had twin girls, Anna One Anna Two..
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a West Coast man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables. "We're sorry, Mr. Smith but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers "Tell me! Did you find her?" John Smith asked.　

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"　

Fearing the worst, Mr. Smith said, "Give me the bad news first."　

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."　

"Oh my God!" exclaimed John. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"　

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."　

Stunned, Mr. Smith demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
Cobra said:
And even now, a few weeks later, every time a song plays on the radio with a strong base line I'm instantly transported back to this :D
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your not on your own there ,cant get it out of my head
 
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Cobra said:
View attachment 128792
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Boy saying his prayers for the family...."God bless Grandpa....down to his little sister
One night he starts "Goodbye Grandpa, God bless Grandma, and so on. The next day the family are informed that their grandfather has passed away

Then after a few months he starts with "Goodbye Grandma" and again Granny has passed away

Then one night, it is "Goodbye Daddy"

The following evening, his parents are in shock. The husband is in relief that he has survived the day.
His wife replies "And what do you think happened to me today..The first thing I saw when I opened the door was the milkman dead on the doorstep!"
 
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