The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Tori_T said:
You've posted that in the funnies, but I've seen it done when a CPU fan died.
Click to expand...
I've had to do it to modify a incorrect BIOS temperature setting (shutting the system down before BIOS could be entered otherwise).
Once corrected the PC worked for years, without the need for extra cooling.
 
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
 
A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
Ill give you the night to consider your options."
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?”
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen.''
 
A film crew was filming in the highlands in Scotland when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by and said, "Tomorrow rain," and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past and said, "Tomorrow sunshine." It was indeed a fine sunny day the next day. The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy and said, "Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.
 
Copper Wire...Who knew?

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a Canadian archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Canadian Times:

"Canadian archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the American Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Arizona reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Phoenix, Arizona, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, the United States of America had already gone wireless."
 
Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise

program!








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NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a conservsative.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a labour supporter.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
“And you’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”
 
While stitching a cut on the hand of an old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with him.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles' : when you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb-arse put him up there to begin with.”
 
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