The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Your selfies are funny! :p
 
A cannibal and his son are walking along the beach & they see a beautiful girl lying sunbathing in the nude.

The son says excitedly ‘Dad, dad look at her, she’s gorgeous. Can we eat her?’

Dad replies ‘I’ve got a better idea son, let’s take her home and eat your mother.’
 
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend..
 
B9C48903-AD52-4B0E-9E45-8781749BC108.jpeg
 
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Bobsyeruncle said:
You mean bag of crisps? :LOL: :LOL:
Click to expand...

Perfectly correct Bob in the UK, but I'm from the USA and I'm only here in the UK some of the time, back home we call them bags of chips. :p:p

George.
 
Two nations divided by a common language!
 
Tori_T said:
UK > US
---------
Crisps > Chips
Chips > Fries
Scones > Biscuits
Biscuits > Cookies

US English likes to trip up unwary Brits.
Click to expand...

Yip. UK > South Africa

Crisps - Chips/Skyfies
Chips - Slap chips, fries
Biscuits - Biscuits/cookies, but
Rusks - Beskuit, usually eaten by adults in the morning
 
Looks closer to a Farley's rusk that a Weetabix from a quick Google.
 
Tori_T said:
So... is the rusk something a Brit would recognize as a biscuit, or would it be closer to a Weetabix, or Farley's Rusks?
Click to expand...

Farley's Rusks, are part of the diet of weaning/weaned babies, soaked in milk to start with. From memory they were just called Farley's Rusks.
 
Tori_T said:
So... is the rusk something a Brit would recognize as a biscuit, or would it be closer to a Weetabix, or Farley's Rusks?
Click to expand...

Nothing like Weetabix or a biscuit, no. I've never seen Farley's Rusks, but they don't really resemble the ones in the link either. I like Ouma Buttermilk Rusks, and Amazon sell them in this country. I suppose you could give them to babies when they're teething, but they're pretty hard and usually eaten with coffee at breakfast time. They're a bit of an Afrikaans thing too, but not entirely...:)
 
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