The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police.'

'I like it!' said his seatmate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh!t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'



The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
 
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?

Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,

'I don't know.

You put down, 'Neither do I."
 
In a military hospital, and old school army doctor is doing his daily rounds of the ward.

"And what you you in here for soldier?" he asks.
"Syphillis sir"
"Wire brush and dettol" the doctor says to the nurse.

Next bed - "And what you you in here for soldier?"
"genital crabs sir".
"Wire brush and dettol, 3 times a day" the doctor says to the nurse.

Next bed - "And what you you in here for soldier?"
"Tonsilitis sir"
"Wire brush and dettol..."

The horrified soldier shouts out at the doctor as he walks aways - "Please sir, please sir!!"

"Yes, what is it soldier?" the angry doctor snaps back

"Please can I have the wire brush first before those two other filthy b**tards!"
 
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My parents were having a coffee at a neighbour's when their (Mum and Dad's) cat wandered in through the cat flap. When we took her on (the cat, not the neighbour!) she was much more a homebody.
 
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My parents were having a coffee at a neighbour's when their (Mum and Dad's) cat wandered in through the cat flap. When we took her on (the cat, not the neighbour!) she was much more a homebody.

Mrs F was having coffee with the neighbour in their garden yesterday, our younger cat was wandering in and out of their house like he lives there!
 
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked.
“Not yet”, said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and then we can visit for a while.”

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “may we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.

A while later the guests asked again, “may we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, “well, when can we see the baby?”
“When it cries!” she told them.

“When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

“Because, I forgot where I put it.”
 
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