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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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- George.
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Johnny was in 6th Grade , and his parents felt since he was advanced they wanted him moved up a grade . so the teacher took little Johnny to the principals office to discuss the situation .
the teacher said to the principal watch I’m gonna ask him some questions , so the teacher said Johnny what’s 12×12 ? Little Johnny replied 144 . then the teacher asked Johnny what does a dog do that a man steps into?
Johnny replied pants . Her next question Was what goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet ? and Johnny said bubblegum!!
then the teacher asked Johnny what do men have in their pants that women don’t? and Johnny replied pockets.
Lastly the teacher asked Johnny what starts with the letter F and ends in a K and leads to red hot excitement and Johnny said fire truck the principal said HELL!! pass him up 2 grades even I got them all wrong.
the teacher said to the principal watch I’m gonna ask him some questions , so the teacher said Johnny what’s 12×12 ? Little Johnny replied 144 . then the teacher asked Johnny what does a dog do that a man steps into?
Johnny replied pants . Her next question Was what goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet ? and Johnny said bubblegum!!
then the teacher asked Johnny what do men have in their pants that women don’t? and Johnny replied pockets.
Lastly the teacher asked Johnny what starts with the letter F and ends in a K and leads to red hot excitement and Johnny said fire truck the principal said HELL!! pass him up 2 grades even I got them all wrong.
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- Jak
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That looks exactly like my first work mobile phone!
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...if he remembers his gun!
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- George.
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Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Server Hamster
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Our daughter had a succession of hamsters, one of which used to challenge the cats, allbeit from the safety of his cage. I shudder to think what might have happened if he'd got hold of a knife. 
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- ken
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One sunny day in February, 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Trump. I've told you already that Mr. Trump is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Trump. I've told you already that Mr. Trump is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
Our daughter had a succession of hamsters, one of which used to challenge the cats, allbeit from the safety of his cage. I shudder to think what might have happened if he'd got hold of a knife.
YIp. My daughter had rats, lots of them. Most of the cats just ignored them but Tarka - a handsome but not very bright Siamese - got a bit too close to one of the cages and left a tuft of black fur stuck to the bars when he got nipped ...
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- Sean
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"During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
badlywornroy
I am not macho
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The groundstaff at Old Trafford Manchester were asked why have you got the best playing surface in the whole country.
Groundsman answered: Well you see every fortnight we spread one billion pounds worth of manure over it.
Groundsman answered: Well you see every fortnight we spread one billion pounds worth of manure over it.
