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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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- Toni
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My dog has no legs, so I named him 'Cigarette' because every so often I taken him out for a drag.
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- Martin
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What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig. (might have posted that before, sorry).
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- Martin
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What's the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice right.
Why don't ants get colds? Because they have tiny anty bodies.
Why don't ants get colds? Because they have tiny anty bodies.
Last edited:
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- George.
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A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. The midget drags a small stepladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up. "Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?" Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."
Tringa
Numpty of the Day'
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- Dave
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Normally I'm out the door for work at 0700 but my early meeting was cancelled and was looking forward to a lie in, so you can imagine how annoyed I was when I had get up to answer the phone a few minutes after 7.
When I went back to bed my wife said, "Who was that and why did you tell them to phone the met office?"
I replied, " I don't know, it was just bloke who had got the wrong number and wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Dave
When I went back to bed my wife said, "Who was that and why did you tell them to phone the met office?"
I replied, " I don't know, it was just bloke who had got the wrong number and wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Dave
badlywornroy
I am not macho
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- Roy
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When I rang up to book tickets to my local sea life centre, I got a message saying my call may be recorded for training porpoises.
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- Bazza
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A woman drives home and indoors she finds her husband in bed with a beautiful young lady.
Enraged she asks what he was doing.
He said "before you get too annoyed let me explain. I was driving home and spotted this young lady who looked as if she needed help. So I offered here a lift back to our place . Looking in the fridge I saw some food left over you didn't want or need so I i gave it to her. Then I noticed she had no shoes on and as you had a pair you didn't want or use I gave them to her. Then I noticed her tatty dress so as you have one you havn't worn or used I gave that to her as well
She then asked if there was anything else my wife hasn't wanted or used anymore which is why you found us in bed together.
Enraged she asks what he was doing.
He said "before you get too annoyed let me explain. I was driving home and spotted this young lady who looked as if she needed help. So I offered here a lift back to our place . Looking in the fridge I saw some food left over you didn't want or need so I i gave it to her. Then I noticed she had no shoes on and as you had a pair you didn't want or use I gave them to her. Then I noticed her tatty dress so as you have one you havn't worn or used I gave that to her as well
She then asked if there was anything else my wife hasn't wanted or used anymore which is why you found us in bed together.
Steep
Nutcrack Rapids
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A man walks into a greengrocer and asks for a kilo of tomatoes.
The greengrocer tells him: "That’s 50 pounds please mate".
The man is shocked - "50 pounds? Last week these tomatoes only cost me two pounds!"
"Well, today it is 50 pounds."
"But why 50 pounds? You’re having a laugh!"
Greengrocer says : "I'll explain it,
- two pounds for the tomatoes,
- ten pounds to pay for Brexit,
- twenty pounds to pay for the Kami-Kwazi budget,
- ten pounds to pay the Tory donors for their PPE that never worked
- And finally, eight pounds to pay for Boris Johnson’s legal fees.
The man silently but angrily took out a fifty pound note and gave it to the greengrocer.
The greengrocer took the fifty pound note, entered in the cash register and gave him 2 pounds back.
The man said in disbelief : "Wait, you said 50 pounds, right ? I gave you 50, why are you giving me back 2 pounds?"
".....We have no tomatoes."
/Stolen off Twitter.
The greengrocer tells him: "That’s 50 pounds please mate".
The man is shocked - "50 pounds? Last week these tomatoes only cost me two pounds!"
"Well, today it is 50 pounds."
"But why 50 pounds? You’re having a laugh!"
Greengrocer says : "I'll explain it,
- two pounds for the tomatoes,
- ten pounds to pay for Brexit,
- twenty pounds to pay for the Kami-Kwazi budget,
- ten pounds to pay the Tory donors for their PPE that never worked
- And finally, eight pounds to pay for Boris Johnson’s legal fees.
The man silently but angrily took out a fifty pound note and gave it to the greengrocer.
The greengrocer took the fifty pound note, entered in the cash register and gave him 2 pounds back.
The man said in disbelief : "Wait, you said 50 pounds, right ? I gave you 50, why are you giving me back 2 pounds?"
".....We have no tomatoes."
/Stolen off Twitter.
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- Toni
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- Toni
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