and the site receives a small commission
*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***
- Thread starter Admin
- Start date
- Status
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
I will start:
What bees make milk?
Boo-bees
What bees make milk?
Boo-bees
- Messages
- 7,512
- Name
- Cheryl
- Edit My Images
- Yes
I will start:
What bees make milk?
Boo-bees
that one actually made me laugh
well done!
- Messages
- 115,214
- Name
- The real Chris
- Edit My Images
- No
..............The demon drink
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3.. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or
on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
..................................................................................
And finally.....
A guy walks into a bar, (ouch) no no that not the joke read on.......
He notices a very large jar on the
counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He
guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all
the money..'The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
'What are the three tests?'
'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do .......
First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper
tequila, the whole thing, all at once .... and you can't make a
face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has
never reached orgasm during intercourse.
You've gotta make things right for her.'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not
an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of
pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..'
'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few
more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big
slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
the people inside the bar hears a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
'Now,' he says. 'Right then, Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3.. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or
on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
..................................................................................
And finally.....
A guy walks into a bar, (ouch
) no no that not the joke read on.......He notices a very large jar on the
counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He
guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all
the money..'The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
'What are the three tests?'
'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do .......
First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper
tequila, the whole thing, all at once .... and you can't make a
face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has
never reached orgasm during intercourse.
You've gotta make things right for her.'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not
an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of
pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..'
'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few
more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big
slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
the people inside the bar hears a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
'Now,' he says. 'Right then, Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
- Messages
- 115,214
- Name
- The real Chris
- Edit My Images
- No
- Messages
- 115,214
- Name
- The real Chris
- Edit My Images
- No
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
@Cobra Like the last one!!
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Mummy and Daddy Balloon have a baby balloon.
Whilst baby balloon was very young he was allowed to sleep with mummy and daddy but one day daddy had to take his son aside and say "sorry son but you're growing fast there is no room in our bed any more so you are going to have to sleep in your own bed from now on".
Baby balloon wasn't happy sleeping on his own and so crept into his parents room in the early hours let a little bit of air out of his mummy and then a little out of his daddy and then some air out of himself.
Daddy awoke in the morning and was really furious!
He dragged his son to one side and said "Son, you've let me down! your mother down! but worst of all you've let yourself down!"
Whilst baby balloon was very young he was allowed to sleep with mummy and daddy but one day daddy had to take his son aside and say "sorry son but you're growing fast there is no room in our bed any more so you are going to have to sleep in your own bed from now on".
Baby balloon wasn't happy sleeping on his own and so crept into his parents room in the early hours let a little bit of air out of his mummy and then a little out of his daddy and then some air out of himself.
Daddy awoke in the morning and was really furious!
He dragged his son to one side and said "Son, you've let me down! your mother down! but worst of all you've let yourself down!"
Steep
Nutcrack Rapids
- Messages
- 16,632
- Name
- Hugh
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Governmentium
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
Forces, called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons, hold these 312 particles together. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, which would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons, exchange places. In fact Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, (Ld) an element that radiates as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
Forces, called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons, hold these 312 particles together. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, which would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons, exchange places. In fact Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, (Ld) an element that radiates as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
- Messages
- 134
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Separated at birth??
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog wiht a flower?
A collieflower
A collieflower
- Messages
- 27,793
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Scientists have discovered a foodstuff that adds 5 stone to a woman's weight almost instantly......
it's called "wedding cake"
it's called "wedding cake"
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A man named Terry goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to
anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine''Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'The interviewer says,
'That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near
me and blew my testicles off.'The interviewer tells the
guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.You can start tomorrow at
10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2
PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking
coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to
anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine''Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'The interviewer says,
'That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near
me and blew my testicles off.'The interviewer tells the
guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.You can start tomorrow at
10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2
PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking
coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A frog walks into a bank
He goes up to one of the tellers and notices her name badge, Patricia Whack.
Frog says: "Hi Paddy, I'm looking for a loan of $30,000 please"
"Right..." says the teller"..err sorry..you're a talking frog wanting a loan...are you a regular customer?"
"Kind of ", says the Frog, "its ok though, my dad's Mick Jagger and the Manager here knows us both..."
"Okaaaay..." says the Patricia. "..umm do you have any collateral to put up against the loan?"
"Sure do Paddy", says the Frog...and produces a small pink China elephant, perfectly formed.
"Bizzare" says the teller.... "so I have to have a quick word with the manager in the back office and I'll be straight back, may I take the elephant with me please?"
"Sure" says the frog
She speaks directly to the manager:
"Sir there is a frog outside, he says you know him, he wants a $30,000 loan, his father is Mick Jagger and has this (she produces the small elephant) as collateral...Do you anything about it?"
The manager looks at Patricia...then at the elephant and then over her shoulder at the frog and says
"Sure!!!!
Its a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan...his old man a Rolling Stone!"
He goes up to one of the tellers and notices her name badge, Patricia Whack.
Frog says: "Hi Paddy, I'm looking for a loan of $30,000 please"
"Right..." says the teller"..err sorry..you're a talking frog wanting a loan...are you a regular customer?"
"Kind of ", says the Frog, "its ok though, my dad's Mick Jagger and the Manager here knows us both..."
"Okaaaay..." says the Patricia. "..umm do you have any collateral to put up against the loan?"
"Sure do Paddy", says the Frog...and produces a small pink China elephant, perfectly formed.
"Bizzare" says the teller.... "so I have to have a quick word with the manager in the back office and I'll be straight back, may I take the elephant with me please?"
"Sure" says the frog
She speaks directly to the manager:
"Sir there is a frog outside, he says you know him, he wants a $30,000 loan, his father is Mick Jagger and has this (she produces the small elephant) as collateral...Do you anything about it?"
The manager looks at Patricia...then at the elephant and then over her shoulder at the frog and says
"Sure!!!!
Its a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan...his old man a Rolling Stone!"
- Messages
- 27,793
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Q: Why do Anarchists prefer fruit tea?
A: Because all Proper Tea is theft
A: Because all Proper Tea is theft
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, 'You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again.
Lester asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year, I'm taking Marie with me.'
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again.
Lester asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year, I'm taking Marie with me.'
- Messages
- 115,214
- Name
- The real Chris
- Edit My Images
- No
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
- Messages
- 4,071
- Name
- Robin
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver
a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver
and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so
much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry,it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver
and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so
much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry,it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
- Messages
- 1,017
- Name
- David
- Edit My Images
- Yes
- Messages
- 2,451
- Name
- Paul
- Edit My Images
- Yes
3 blokes drink in the same pub after work & spend a fortune over
the week.
They ask the landlord if they can have free beer for being loyal customers.
The landlord says 'go home tonight & do the 1st thing your wife says & prove
it then you will have free beer for a month'.
Next day the 1st bloke come in covered in dust & ash.
Landlord asks 'what happened to you?'
'Was having a fag when i dropped some ash on the carpet,wife says' 'burn
the whole house down why dont ya' so i did!
'Free beer' says the landlord.
2nd bloke arrived all covered in dust & rubble.
Landord asks 'what happened to you?'
'Had a few too many in here last night & drove the car in to the garage wall,
wifes says' 'knock the whole house down why dont ya?' 'so i did'.
'Free beer' says the landlord.
3rd bloke arrives covered in blood!
Landlord says 'jeez,what happened to you?You look a right mess'.
'I went to bed last night feeling a bit fruity & started to touch up the wife.She
said 'you can cut that out for a start!'
the week.
They ask the landlord if they can have free beer for being loyal customers.
The landlord says 'go home tonight & do the 1st thing your wife says & prove
it then you will have free beer for a month'.
Next day the 1st bloke come in covered in dust & ash.
Landlord asks 'what happened to you?'
'Was having a fag when i dropped some ash on the carpet,wife says' 'burn
the whole house down why dont ya' so i did!
'Free beer' says the landlord.
2nd bloke arrived all covered in dust & rubble.
Landord asks 'what happened to you?'
'Had a few too many in here last night & drove the car in to the garage wall,
wifes says' 'knock the whole house down why dont ya?' 'so i did'.
'Free beer' says the landlord.
3rd bloke arrives covered in blood!
Landlord says 'jeez,what happened to you?You look a right mess'.
'I went to bed last night feeling a bit fruity & started to touch up the wife.She
said 'you can cut that out for a start!'
My missus and I went to a County Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
The missus playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
She gave me a healthy jab and said,
'WOW That's more than twice a week! .........
You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
This time she was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow?'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
The missus playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
She gave me a healthy jab and said,
'WOW That's more than twice a week! .........
You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
This time she was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow?'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Last edited:
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
- Messages
- 27,793
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Two Scots, Archie and Jamie, are sitting in the pub discussing Jamie's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jamie. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jamie.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jamie, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jamie. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jamie.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jamie, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
- Messages
- 27,793
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A rabbit walks into a bar and orders a pint and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit returns every night for a month asking for a pint and a ham and cheese toastie. One night the barman runs out of ham and offers the rabbit a cheese and onion toastie. "OK, if you're sure I'll like it" says the rabbit.
The barman doesn't see the rabbit again for a year until his ghost appears in the bar. "What happened to you" asks the barman. "I died" replied the rabbit.
How, asks the barman.
"Mixing me toasties" said the rabbit.
The rabbit returns every night for a month asking for a pint and a ham and cheese toastie. One night the barman runs out of ham and offers the rabbit a cheese and onion toastie. "OK, if you're sure I'll like it" says the rabbit.
The barman doesn't see the rabbit again for a year until his ghost appears in the bar. "What happened to you" asks the barman. "I died" replied the rabbit.
How, asks the barman.
"Mixing me toasties" said the rabbit.
- Messages
- 27,793
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"!
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just
fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
First - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
And Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"!
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just
fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
First - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
And Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks
over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the
middle of the show, "Look, It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding
the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning
almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks
over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the
middle of the show, "Look, It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding
the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning
almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
- Messages
- 15,804
- Name
- Neil
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A very attractive woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered,........
'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered,........
'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
- Messages
- 27,793
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A man found himself castaway on a desert island, doing his best to subsist with whatever came to hand. One day he spied a wetsuit, housing an obvious female form, emerging from the surf.
Removing all her snorkling equipment...
"How long have you been here?"
"Gosh...going on two months."
Unzipping her right side, and pulling out a transistor radio...
"Bet you'd like to know what's happening in the world."
"Lordy, yes...I've lost track."
Unzipping her left side, and pulling out a flask of whisky...
"Bet you'd like a drink."
"Wow!...give it here."
Unzipping her front...
"Bet you'd like to play around."
"Oh come on now...don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there too!"
Removing all her snorkling equipment...
"How long have you been here?"
"Gosh...going on two months."
Unzipping her right side, and pulling out a transistor radio...
"Bet you'd like to know what's happening in the world."
"Lordy, yes...I've lost track."
Unzipping her left side, and pulling out a flask of whisky...
"Bet you'd like a drink."
"Wow!...give it here."
Unzipping her front...
"Bet you'd like to play around."
"Oh come on now...don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there too!"
Techno-Geek
Boring
- Messages
- 4,124
- Name
- Tony
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Matt Sayle
2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
- Messages
- 18,976
- Name
- Matt Sayle
- Edit My Images
- Yes
COBRA WHERE IS THE TFI FRIDAY???????????
- Status