*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............












"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
went to the opera the other night
the lead tenor got really angry when we all joined in
 
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a ****."
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech and a Swiss walked into a bar.

The landlord said "I can't let you in without a Thai".
 
Anyone on here know Mike Oxlong?
 
My wife had a job interview for a camera store the other day.
Before she left, she knew id have a joke lined up, and so she said "please dont give me any of your silly puns, like, your a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash... "so i punched her in the face, and said "that bruise should develop in an hour and if you interupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."
 
what do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off
 
its spring again,its spring again....


goes into shop and buys a hamster,next morning hamster dead in cage, takes it back to shop for an exchange and they refuse saying take it home and make some nice jam out of it,scratches me head but goes home and sets about making some jam with it,however ...it turns out disgusting, throws it out the window and goes to bed wakes up in morning and there are fousands of tulips growing out of my lawn,there everywhere. goes back to pet shop and tells the owner who says "well what you expect" and he starts singin 'its spring again,its spring again Tulips from hamster jam,its spring again its spring again.............'

hehe :)
 
I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mum's toys?

Especially since they probably have the same names...
 
My wife reckons she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through when watching it.

Funnily enough, I have a similar system.
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!
 
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number&#8230; and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'
 
Sexual olympics
A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom - gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"
 
I was in London today and tried to help some Japanese tourists with their photos opportunities.
I took their camera from them, and had just focussed on them standing together beside the River Thames with the Houses of Parliament in the background.
I just said "wave", and they ran away like Olympic sprinters.


Anyone want a camera?
 
I have always been keen on proper punctuation, but it really brought it home to me just how important it is when I sent a message to my Wife to tell her that I had just helped my Uncle jack off a Horse. Maybe that should be that I had just helped my Uncle Jack, off a Horse!
 
Don't want anyone to panic but i'm posting this from casualty.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner wasn't what I thought it was.
 
those chevrons on the motorway can get you in trouble
i had to do 120 to catch up on a fast audi to get two between us
we got pulled over for speeding but got off with a warning
we both claimed to be following the instructions
keep two chevrons between cars

doh!!
 
Went to the Docs this morning & he told me I was cured.
Great, no more f*****g Tourettes, oh b******s!!
 
Navy Seal who took bin laden out identified

Binladennavyseals.jpg
 
Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
 
Still think you 're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business.
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
 
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