*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

Status
Not open for further replies.
candlestick said:
:D A few more:




The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John


I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway


Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa. Les, Barnsley


The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the ***** quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond


I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan.
Click to expand...


roflmao...i jsut spat coffee everywhere :D:D:D
 
This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
.
.
.

..
.

'What happened to my bogey?'
 
nilagin said:
This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
.
.
.

..
.

'What happened to my bogey?'
Click to expand...

:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:
 
nilagin said:
This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
.
.
.

..
.

'What happened to my bogey?'
Click to expand...

:LOL: :LOL:
 
A priest checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist " I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled". She replies "no sir,it's just ordinary porn, you sick b*****d"
 
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
 
A passenger plane is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and
plummets into the Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped
apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an
island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from
home, he cannot help but admire the beauty of the island he has
found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another
survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not
breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several
attempts she coughs into life.

As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie
Minogue.

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate
bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the
island, they fall madly in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love
sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of
sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what
is wrong.

'Kylie,' he says, 'The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we
could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's
something missing.'

Kylie replies: 'What my darling? What is it that you need ? I'll do
anything'.

'Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?'

'OK'

'And my trousers?'

'OK'

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and
draws a neat moustache on her.

'OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off in
the other direction and meet you half way.'

'OK dear, whatever will make you happy?'

So off they go. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading
towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint,
runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

'Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!!
 
I have just had a right argument with my wife. She is moaning because I did not open the car door for her.

Its not my fault, all I could do was panic and swim to the surface.
 
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door....

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
 
Essex girl writes to a teen mag" Dear problem page, my problem is I am a nine year old girl and still a virgin. Do you think my Dad is queer?



A vicar walks into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk " I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?, the clerk replies " No, it is regular porn you sick b`stard"


Stephen Hawking is in hospital with head injuries, broken arm and collarbone. Apparently he had a date last night but she stood him up.
 
fracster said:
Essex girl writes to a teen mag" Dear problem page, my problem is I am a nine year old girl and still a virgin. Do you think my Dad is queer?



A vicar walks into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk " I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?, the clerk replies " No, it is regular porn you sick b`stard"


Stephen Hawking is in hospital with head injuries, broken arm and collarbone. Apparently he had a date last night but she stood him up.
Click to expand...

I shouldnt but...
















:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:
 
A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry
when a large dildo falls out and hits their windscreen.
To hide her embarrasment the mum says to the children
''That was a big insect''. To which the 7 year old son replies

''I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size''.
 
ABERDONIAN FARMERS LOGIC

Twa Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Rab, are sitting in the Farmers bar drinking beer. Tam turns to Rab and says, 'Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan through life athoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll go doon to the
squeel and sign up for some nicht classes.' Rab thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Tam goes down to the school and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes:Maths, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Tam says. 'Fit's at?'

The Lecturer says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?'

'Aye'

' Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a
Garden. '

Tam replies, 'At's true, I div hae a Gairden.'

'I'm not done,' the Lecturer says. 'Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Aye, I dee huv a hoose.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'I hiv a femily.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'

'Man! Yer nae wrang!! I div hae a wife!!'

'And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am that! a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a' that oot, jist 'cos huv a strimmer.'

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Rab at the pub. He tells Rab about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.


'Logic?' Rab says, 'Fit's at?'


Tam says, 'I'll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?'

'No.'

'Weel then, ye must be a poof.'
 
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!





Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."



The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
 
dod said:
A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry
when a large dildo falls out and hits their windscreen.
To hide her embarrasment the mum says to the children
''That was a big insect''. To which the 7 year old son replies

''I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size''.
Click to expand...

:LOL::LOL::LOL:
 
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'





LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the ****** difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'




LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word '**-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY........

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****** beautiful!''



LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own ******* business.
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted
 
New position:
Simon and mary decide that they want to spice their love life up and mary suggest's the 69 posistion. Simon has not heard of this position before so mary decides to show him.
She askes him to lay on the bed and she proceeds to climb on top of him, as she does this though she fart's mistakenly, "Oops" she embarressingly says and trys again with the same results. After a few attempts he gets up says "I'll be ****ed i have to enjore another 65 of them"



Blonde joke:
Blonde walks into a garage and askes for a "seven hundred and ten". The bloke behind the counter looks at her puzzled and askes her is she sure that she has the correct name for the part, She replies "Yes, I dropped it from the engine". The worker opens up a bonnet of a showroom car and ask's is this car has one too, She replies "of course is does its there..." She points too...






















710.jpg
















:thumbsdown:
 
coats at the ready please!
 
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll
take care of this,'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay, 'he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
 
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother.

"This is a job for Mama."
 
A man goes to the doctors,

"Doctor, i got a lettuce leaf growing out my bum,"
the doctor says,

"Drop your trousers and lets have a look, gosh, that's bad"

"Bad, Bad!" said the man," that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

Better Marcel :razz:
 
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, &#8216;Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn&#8217;t turn up.&#8217;

&#8216;Sure,&#8217; they said, &#8216;You&#8217;re welcome.&#8217; So they started playing and enjoyed The game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, &#8216;What do you do for a living?&#8217;

&#8216;I&#8217;m a hit man,&#8217; was the reply.

&#8216;You&#8217;re joking!&#8217; was the response.

&#8216;No, I&#8217;m not,&#8217; he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper&#8217;s rifle with a large telescopic sight. &#8216;Here are my tools.&#8217;

&#8216;That&#8217;s a beautiful telescopic sight,&#8217; said the other friend, &#8216;Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.&#8217; So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

&#8216;Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.&#8217; &#8216;Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can

See she&#8217;s naked!! Wait a minute, that&#8217;s my neighbour in there with her&#8230;&#8230; He&#8217;s naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, &#8216;How much do you charge for a hit?&#8217;

&#8216;I&#8217;ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.&#8217;

&#8216;Can you do two for me now?&#8217;

&#8216;Sure, what do you want?&#8217;

&#8216;First, shoot my wife, she&#8217;s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.&#8217;

&#8216;Then the neighbour, he&#8217;s a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** :)shake:FiTP :think "short for Richard") off to teach him a lesson.&#8217;

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

&#8216;Are you going to do it or not?&#8217; said the friend impatiently.

&#8216;Just be patient,&#8217; said the hit man calmly,&#8217;I think I can save you a grand here&#8230;..&#8217;
 
Last edited:
Sad, pathetic joke.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'so how do you drive this thing?' :shrug:
 
Dear Sir,

I have never written to a helpline before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

Thank you

Regards

Bob Sebeston
 
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"
 
A nun and a monk were travelling across the Sahara on a camel, when it suddenly keeled over and died.
Realising their predicament, the monk turned to the nun and said "We're going to die, why don't you strip naked"
The nun thought for a moment and said "I will if you will". So they both stripped off, and the monk was amazed at the really fit body she had. Within a few seconds he had a massive stiffy. "Do you know" he said hopefully "if I insert this in the right place I can create life".
"In that case" she said "shove it up that camels a**e and let's get the **** out of here".
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’

To which she replies: “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his first wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I attended at ‘Cravings,’ the one I made love to on the bar with all my buddies watching, while your partner slapped my butt with a racquet ball racquet???”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
 
Doc said:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’

To which she replies: “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his first wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I attended at ‘Cravings,’ the one I made love to on the bar with all my buddies watching, while your partner slapped my butt with a racquet ball racquet???”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
Click to expand...

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top