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Junior School Children Writing about the Sea. Priceless!!!

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you
don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an ar.se.hole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back
with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to
cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors
would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be
better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their
shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is
always screaming and being sick, my dad keeps shouting at my mum, and
my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where
I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it make
my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two
divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot
up her fanny. (Julie age 7)
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.



The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'



'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.



'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.



'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can
I have my beer and my sandwich please?'



'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this
way?'



'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a
plasterer.'



The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but
takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to
read it.



So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.



The same thing happens for two weeks.



Then one day the circus comes to town.



The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're
with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just
brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the
newspaper and everything!'



'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get
him to give me a call.'



So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'



'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'



'At the circus,' says the barman.



'The circus?' repeats the duck.



'That's right,' replies the barman.



'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'



'Yeah,' the barman replies.



'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?'
says the duck.



'Of course,' the barman replies.



'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.



'That's right!' says the barman.



The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .

.



.





.







.





.







'What would they want with a plasterer??!'
 
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englishmen.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.

"Watch and you'll see," comes the rplye. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
 
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15'
 
A primary school teacher in Toxteth explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool or Everton fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool or Everton fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool or an Everton fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Preston North End fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Preston fan?'

'Because my mum is a PNE fan, and my dad is a PNE fan, so I'm a PNE fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Preston fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool or an Everton fan.
 
A bloke loses both his ears in a particularly vicious rugby scrum. They get trampled into the ground and no-one can find them. He visits a plastic surgeon pleading for new ears. The surgeon says "I have no donor parts at the moment to construct you some new ears, I'm afraid".

The bloke pleads with him to sort something out. The surgeon says that he has two odd ears, one from a lurcher dog and one from a pig.

"It'll look a little weird" says the surgeon, "but they're better than nothing at all."

The bloke agrees and has the surgery. He returns to see the surgeon a fortnight later to tell him how it's going.

"This one," the bloke says pointing to the lurcher ear, "is bloody amazing. I can hear people whistling five miles away!"
"But this one" he says pointing to the pigs ear, "has a bit of cracklin' in it!"
 
A nun gets on a bus that's empty except for the driver. She says; "I'm going to die soon, but I want to have sex before I do but I must remain a virgin so it must be anal and i can't commit adultery so the man must be single. Can you fulfil my wish?" "Yes", says the driver, and fulfils her wish. But then, feeling guilty, he says "I'm sorry, I lied, I'm married with 3 kids". "That's ok" said the nun "I lied too.My name is Keith and i'm going to a fancy dress party".
 
macmike said:
Matt that's revolting! But excellent.
Click to expand...

Sshhhh ... don't encourage him for gods sake ... tell him it was cr*p and he might stop. :muted:
 
Matt Sayle said:
A nun gets on a bus that's empty except for the driver. She says; "I'm going to die soon, but I want to have sex before I do but I must remain a virgin so it must be anal and i can't commit adultery so the man must be single. Can you fulfil my wish?" "Yes", says the driver, and fulfils her wish. But then, feeling guilty, he says "I'm sorry, I lied, I'm married with 3 kids". "That's ok" said the nun "I lied too.My name is Keith and i'm going to a fancy dress party".
Click to expand...


LMFAO :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
 
oops!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’

To which she replies: “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his first wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I attended at ‘Cravings,’ the one I made love to on the bar with all my buddies watching, while your partner slapped my butt with a racquet ball racquet???”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
 
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several &#8232;minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and&#8232;the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the &#8232;Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.&#8232;&#8232;

(1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch&#8232;me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn&#8232;must have slapped his face"&#8232;

(2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on&#8232;the blonde and she smacked him".&#8232;

(3) The Frenchman thought - "That bloody Englishman put his hand on&#8232;that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". &#8232;

(4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French **** again".
 
Two photographers were chatting at the camera club...

First Photographer: I saw a terrible sight the other day, a beggar was sitting on the steps of a church, wasted with hunger and his clothes all ragged and torn. He was holding out his hands, pleading for a few coins.

Second Photographer: What did you give him?

First Photographer: f8 at 1/125th of a second.
 
A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
'I've lost my granddad!'

'The policeman asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
'Golden Virginia and women with big tits.'
 
> Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.
>

> A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
> 'Mom' , he asked , 'Are these my brains?'
> 'Not yet , ' she replied.
 
A University class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:

Religion
Royalty
Sex
Mystery

The winning piece read:

"My God!", said the Queen "I'm pregnant........... I wonder who the father is..."
 
A friend told me he was thinking about buying a Pitbull x St Bernard
I told him he was mad and to stay away from something that big with a nasty temper!
He didn't listen and went ahead with the purchase

A few days I went to visit him in hospital you guessed it, it had "ripped into" him


But as he said there is always a silver lining, at least it fetched him a brandy afterwards (y)
 
A dog rings up the local paper to place a "For Sale" advert for a bone he has. The bloke at the paper says "OK, so what do you want the advert to say?"

The dog says "Woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof".

Bloke says "Now, you see, that's nine words. We're doing a special offer at the moment where you can get ten words for the same price. So you could put another 'woof' on the end for no extra charge."

"But," says the dog "it wouldn't make any sense then..."
 
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
 
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods..'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat.'



'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you
doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat.'



'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'





'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.'
 
Matt Sayle said:
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.'
Click to expand...

Oh dear Matts on a roll
Though not heard this one before and it did raise a smile (y)
You'll have to go to London more often young man :D
 
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the toilet. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.

He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.

He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the toilet and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ......What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!

:)
 
2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
 
I got chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet the other day.

She was funny, witty, attractive and sexy. So I agreed to meet up with her.

Turns out she was an undercover detective. How cool is THAT at her age !!!
 
Matt Sayle said:
I got chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet the other day.

She was funny, witty, attractive and sexy. So I agreed to meet up with her.

Turns out she was an undercover detective. How cool is THAT at her age !!!
Click to expand...

*groan*

:LOL:
 
Matt Sayle said:
I got chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet the other day.

She was funny, witty, attractive and sexy. So I agreed to meet up with her.

Turns out she was an undercover detective. How cool is THAT at her age !!!
Click to expand...

Oh dear Matt :bang: ( 'twas funny actually (y))

But what have I told you about hanging around internet forums
you meet all kinds of weirdo's :D
 
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