353.365 : This stops....now!
Marcel Booth posted a photo:
OMG I weighed myself tonight.
Now I stupidly weighed myself at night, when Im heaviest. I needed a wee too
which is a good couple of pounds.
And I hadn't long since eaten either, which never helps, so it's about the highest reading I can get.
However it shocked me.
I've been seriously overweight before, I hit 22 stone in 2004 when I was suffering from a previous bout of depression. I managed to lose around 5 1/2 stone eventually, by april 2005 ish, through appetite suppressants, good diet, and regular exercise.
I did let it slip though, and here we are, 2008.
I've teetered in the 20st to 20st 10 range all year, yet I've spoken of my previous weight loss like it's a current thing. "When I was big last time", and "When I was 22 stone", sort of kidding myself that because I haven't hit 22 stone, then it hasn't happened again.
Well I'm ashamed to even admit tonights reading. 21st 6 1/4. Like I said, this is the heaviest reading I can get (for the 3 above-mentioned reasons), and I'm sure in the morning it will be about 20st 11ish (like it was yesterday morning).
However, I've had enough.
I'm sick of being a fatty. I'm looking at normal sized people on the street, and on TV with envy, thinking 'I can't buy those clothes', or 'I can't do x or y' etc, and it's starting to get me down.
It doesn't help that I am the worlds worst procrastinator who constantly puts things off because I just get very 'meh'.
It's like I'm caught in a swirling pool and Im drowning.
My weight is going up, it's killed my self confidence, it creates tiredness and a general lack of motivation, and creates a vicious circle.
I sit at home, and Im in this absolutely horrible routine of late nights, anti-socialness, sitting at my PC...sorry, MAC, all day. I say its because I've got lots to do, and tbh I do fill the time on there. It's where I watch all my TV and films (rarely watch the actual live TV now), it's where my main circle of friends are, my main social network. I do a hell of alot of work on the forum I run, meaning Im sat down all day.
And it creates this routine, which I just can't seem to break out of.
I can't even say 'right, tomorrow, I'll go to the gym' because the kids are off school. I could take them to the park, but I know I will just want to sit down while we're there.
I've become incredibly physically lazy, and I want out.
I want to be one of those people who just bustles with energy, has a zest for life, is always on the go with a smile.
Why can't I be that person? Is it genetic? Is it social? Is it *all* self made?
Last time I lost the weight (see there I go again), I was kick started partly by my anti-depressant medication (which I think was a good starting point), but mostly by watching Super-Size Me, by Morgan Spurlock. I just watched it in horror, and said 'That's it...no more McDonalds (it was going to be another year before I ate a McDonalds), and I went really healthy. I ate well, I exercised regularly-ish (once or twice a week at the gym), and I didn't find it hard at all. I found it VERY easy to say no to food.
Now I just can't. I'll be sat here and think 'sod it, i'll have a sarnie' or maybe some soup or something.
And I'll watch a little episode of something while I eat. It can be an episode of Lost, or Heros, or a quickie, like a 20 minute comedy show.
Why can't I say no? Why do I let the f***-factor take over? I just say 'ah f*** it, can't be arsed, i want something to eat'.
Ive had enough of being trapped in this fat, horrible body and I want out...out...out. My knees ache all the time (I had bad knees as a child and have done all my life, but Im sure that my weight is now the root cause of any aches and pains). The bed creaks at night, I can't get comfy. I haven't had a good, proper sleep in aaages. Not really.
T-shirts are getting tighter. I only have a core of 5 or so t-shirts that are either xxl or xxxl which fit me (and arent tight around the middle...i cant stand t-shirts tht arent baggy). Jeans are getting tighter. I'll be back in my fat mans pants if this carries on...I just want out.
You see, at this point, it's now 00:30. I'd post this, then think 'Hmmm, maybe a cup-a-soup and an episode of something', and end up eating, then fannying about until 3 am when Id finally think 'sod it, can't be bothered, i'm going to bed'.
Sorry, it's turned into one of 'those' 365's (OK I don't have many
), its a self-critical rant.
I run a website with 12,000 members who in some way feel like they know me as the admin of the forum. I don't say that in a big headed way at all, but they know me, and I'm pouring this out to them all (and you lot on flickr).
There are people/parents from my kids school who read this too, and while Im not ashamed of what I type, I really don't want to lie, I just want to be as honest as possible.
Some would say 'Don't reveal so much about yourself in public' and to them I say 'Oh shut it, even if you are right'. Should I be revealing so much of my inner thoughts?
Well, considering this was one of the reasons I started this 365 was to overcome many of my personal problems and inadequacies, then yes, yes I should. I must be mad. I bet those who know me in my real life (who I would never dare be so open to like this), are sat thinking 'OMG what a freak!'.
Just let me say this to everyone reading. We're all human, and I bet throughout the course of every one of your lives, you have felt similar thoughts to me. Maybe not in as much detail, maybe not as strong, but it goes to show, we're ALL human, we all have our faults, and we all need to learn to be happy with ourselves.
You see there's my problem. I constantly flick between two thoughts.
One : I'm obese and I need to do something about it, desperately. It's not good for me, it's not good for my health, it's killing my self confidence.
or
Two : I'm fat. So what? It's me. Accept me for who I am, and if you don't like it. Tough! Pass me the cream cakes and talk to the hand..I'm happy with me just the way I am.
See my dilemma? Both are equally valid trains of thought. Am I worrying about my wieght to please me? Or am I worrying because of my constant desire to be liked by others? Another trait and byproduct from my self-conscious thought processes.
Who knows. What I do know is this. I'm gonna go to bed before I find myself walking in the kitchen and making some toast.
081221_5698
More...