The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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A man enters a bar with his hat resting on his shoulders, and orders one drink after another, as far as his tiny mouth will allow him to swallow.
So he's asked how he came to be like this
"I found this old lamp, rubbed it, and out came this absolutely gorgeous genie, she offered me a wish, anything I wanted.
So I gazed into those blue eyes, mesmerised by her pouting lips, and asked for a little head."
 
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While on a date a women goes to the bathroom

Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room

Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!

Man: It's not a big deal.

Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.

Man: ...............
 
I saw an illegal immigrant beside the road eating grass. Feeling sorry for him I offered a place to live at my house. He thanked me and said can he bring his 3 wives and 10 children as well. I said sorry but no my lawn isn’t big enough to feed all of them
 
A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

That horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued, the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing. The Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and and fell over dead.

In a state of shock, he confronted the priest, “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!”

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “You’re not Catholic are you, my son?"

"No, I'm an atheist".

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you don’t know the difference between a blessing and the last rites.”
 
Having an interest in my ancestry I did a DNA test. I waited a few weeks but was surprised by the response. I thought there would be some sort of document listing possible lineages.

There was only a very small packet of seeds with a note saying, "Best start again."

Dave
 
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Rishi Sunak sent me. I'm your new scarecrow. What field do I stand in?


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