The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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This headline from the Rochdale Herald

Audi driver becomes first in space after tailgating Tesla into orbit

A spokesman for SpaceX said, “We got this strange signal just after takeoff. We thought it might be space debris or aliens. When we turned the camera around we saw a black Audi flashing its headlights at us. After 27,000 miles it undertook us on the approach to low Earth orbit. As it came past the driver could be seen waving his hands and calling us w******s. He wasn’t even indicating.”
 
Today I discovered that piranhas can strip a man to the bone in under a minute. I also lost my job at the aquarium today.
 
True story, but funny nonetheless.

Essex Police currently have a man in custody who is suspected of being a gang member and drug dealer, and who has been charged with two counts of possession with intent to supply class A drugs. He is believed to have inserted a batch of drugs into his body (details on exactly how he did that are mercifully absent) so they decided to wait until nature took its course and the contents of his bottom would be available for inspection in the toilet bowl. However the suspect has refused to cooperate. Operation #poowatch is currently on day 26, which is believed to be a British Record. Essex Police were thoughtfully providing daily updates on social media, but unfortunately they seem to have lost interest.

Full story: http://metro.co.uk/2018/02/12/drug-suspect-hasnt-taken-poo-26-days-protest-arrest-7305539/
 
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StewartR said:
True story, but funny nonetheless.

Essex Police currently have a man in custody who is suspected of being a gang member and drug dealer, and who has been charged with two counts of possession with intent to supply class A drugs. He is believed to have inserted a batch of drugs into his body (details on exactly how he did that are mercifully absent) so they decided to wait until nature took its course and the contents of his bottom would be available for inspection in the toilet bowl. However the suspect has refused to cooperate. Operation #poowatch is currently on day 26, which is believed to be a British Record. Essex Police were thoughtfully providing daily updates on social media, but unfortunately they seem to have lost interest.

Full story: http://metro.co.uk/2018/02/12/drug-suspect-hasnt-taken-poo-26-days-protest-arrest-7305539/
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Unfortunately a total load of b*****ks Stewart ,around 7 days is maximum ,after that you will most likely suffer from a burst bowel and peritonitis (blood poisining) .
 
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the black fox said:
my own experiences Stewart ,according to the docs I was about 2 hours from death .the pundits can claim what they like rest assured it aint nice
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It may be that you were more full of it than usual? :)
 
If you don't eat, you don't s*** so if the guy was "empty", he could go without going for a fair while.
 
the black fox said:
my own experiences Stewart ,according to the docs I was about 2 hours from death .the pundits can claim what they like rest assured it aint nice
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Not wishing to be argumentive or specific, but, first time I went on a camping holiday to France I wasnt in any mind to use the communal loos, so my personal best is 14 days and that included eating every day. I was a lot younger then of course.
Matt
 
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