The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Lizzie Yarnold takes Team GB’s first gold medal of the Winter Olympics, becomes double Olympic champion and immediately thanks David Beckham for his years of expertise, coaching input and advice on how to ride a skeleton.
 
Never bothered with gyms, just a 56lb potato bag in each hand, arms straight out to the side lifting up and down twice a day for a week, then put a potato in each bag
 
mikew said:
Never bothered with gyms, just a 56lb potato bag in each hand, arms straight out to the side lifting up and down twice a day for a week, then put a potato in each bag
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I too like to start the day off with lifting and lowering exercises, first the left eyelid then the right eyelid !
 
1. Lift leg.
2. "Exhale".
3. Stroke cat (who has learned that if I "exhale", I'm awake!)
 
I certaintly wouldn’t
 
Well it is a joke of sorts

Capture.JPG
 
Sounds legit ,the United Nations is well known ,they wouldn’t mess you around
 
mikew said:
Never bothered with gyms, just a 56lb potato bag in each hand, arms straight out to the side lifting up and down twice a day for a week, then put a potato in each bag
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Mag1cp2x said:
I too like to start the day off with lifting and lowering exercises, first the left eyelid then the right eyelid !
Click to expand...
Nod said:
1. Lift leg.
2. "Exhale".
3. Stroke cat (who has learned that if I "exhale", I'm awake!)
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I really believe the s*** you lot put here is true [emoji23] [emoji23] [emoji23]
 
Graham said:
I really believe the s*** you lot put here is true [emoji23] [emoji23] [emoji23]
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I do go to the gym three times a week now since they got the new machine in, it does kitkat, mars,crispsyou name it

This really fit looking woman came in and i said to the instructor which machine should i use to impress her, he looked me up and down and said the cash dispenser
 
I visit an excellent Yoga studio several times every week and often spend an hour or more there. Shame I can barely touch my toes let alone get both feet behind my head! (And the cat really does treat an early morning fart like an invitation!)
 
Nod said:
I visit an excellent Yoga studio several times every week and often spend an hour or more there. Shame I can barely touch my toes let alone get both feet behind my head! (And the cat really does treat an early morning fart like an invitation!)
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Luckily cats lack thumbs (excl the rare polydactyl ones on some) otherwise your cat might have brought a lit taper to test the ignited fart theory [emoji91][emoji74]
 
Nah - she uses a Zippo!
 
A zippo is a little lighter
A hippo is a little heavier?
 
Ladies and Laddies?
 
Cobra said:
When I posted that, the spoiler said testing 123
But its / I'm still correct anyway :p
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You monitoring me 24/7 or what? ;) It only said that for like, 10 seconds, whilst I quickly checked I had the right spoiler tag thingy. :p:rolleyes:

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
One's an Australian marsupial and the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.
 
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I thought Keith was more '40s/'50s vintage!
 
Really fed up with all these new years sales. Went to Selfridges and they don't sell fridges. Went to Currys and they don't sell curries. Went to Boots and they don't sell boots. I wasn't very impressed with the Virgin Megastore either.
 
Guy holds a fancy dress party, there is a knock at the door so goes to answer it, there in front of him is a naked man with a naked girl on his back.

So he says to the naked man, "What have you comes as?"

"I've comes as a snail" came the reply.

"So who is the naked girl on your back?" he asks.

"Oh that's just Michelle"
 
Graham said:
Guy holds a fancy dress party, there is a knock at the door so goes to answer it, there in front of him is a naked man with a naked girl on his back.

So he says to the naked man, "What have you comes as?"

"I've comes as a snail" came the reply.

"So who is the naked girl on your back?" he asks.

"Oh that's just Michelle"
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Showing your Age with that one Graham.:banana:
 
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