The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Really fed up with all these new years sales. Went to Selfridges and they don't sell fridges. Went to Currys and they don't sell curries. Went to Boots and they don't sell boots. I wasn't very impressed with the Virgin Megastore either.
 
Petrochemist said:
It seems to have worked for the Queen, maybe we should all have 2 a year!
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I do! One on the day I emerged and one on the day I was given a new life by an operation. (I also celebrated the day that I would probably have been dead by had I not had that op but that was a one off celebration!)
 
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly.
He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."
 
Cobra said:
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly.
He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."
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You’ve obviously seen animal farm to LOL
 
mikew said:
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This actually happened to my cousin, she bought her cat a nice bed for Christmas and it's decided it prefers the box. Although when they come downstairs in the morning, the cat is in its box looking pleased with itself but there are hairs on its new bed.
 
How should one Server them? :D
 
I once asked my teacher for advice when taking my maths exam and he said you should always read through the paper first. I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard, "Okay, pencils down."
 
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*** off."
 
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