The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

My dad showed me a 30 minute presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
 
Petrochemist said:
Typical he managed to get that wrong too, forgetting all about apple, toffee & cherry...
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Blimey you live in a posh area I've not seen that ( those) in the shire of the Nor-folk :D
 
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
 
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different cock,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
 
Cobra said:
Blimey you live in a posh area I've not seen that ( those) in the shire of the Nor-folk :D
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Strawberry, chocolate, vanilla, apple, cherry, toffee - you can count all of them on one hand in Norfolk...
 
Baguettes, I've had a few
but then again
too few to munch on.

I bit what I had to chew
saw it thru'
it was my luncheon.

Brian Bilston for national sandwich week :)
 
Gremlin said:
View attachment 245798
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I'm SO glad that they've progressed beyond full sized VHS cameras...


Cobra said:
So now we know where the @Server Hamster keeps nipping off to!
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Never had her down as a West End Girl... :whistle:

Server Hamster said:
I want a BanHammer. :mad:
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Cobra said:
Here Borrow mine (y)
View attachment 245804

Oh wait, no, its rather like the Mjölnir it can only be wielded by special people :D
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I thought SH was a special people (rather than just a bit speshul…)
 
Hi, Jamie Oliver.
Sorry to hear your restaurants are going through a tough patch, have you considered contacting Gordon Ramsay? He does this show where he goes into failing restaurants and helps turn them around.
Just a thought, best wishes n that xx
 
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A woman takes her 15-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Mandy. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Mandy a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Mandy is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Mandy?" Mandy says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
 
Ladbrokes offering 4/1 on Niki Lauda surviving the cremation.
 
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