The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

CcvBJ9eWIAA9Dkn.jpg
 
Well thanks for tellin me the Jokes and Memes threads were closed! I've spent a jokeless week wondering where all the fun was and why I wasn't allowed to post anything! ;)

Anyway, thanks, it's been fun reading everything since March 2nd, some great stuff and only one pathetic, ha-ha, cheered me up after the rugby this PM, oh!, hang on, I didn't need cheering up ............................................................

engerland.jpg
 
Farmerjim said:
Well thanks for tellin me the Jokes and Memes threads were closed! I've spent a jokeless week wondering where all the fun was and why I wasn't allowed to post anything! ;)

Anyway, thanks, it's been fun reading everything since March 2nd, some great stuff and only one pathetic, ha-ha, cheered me up after the rugby this PM, oh!, hang on, I didn't need cheering up ............................................................

View attachment 59245
Click to expand...

Curtseys to the pathetic ;) I want a medal lol
 
Farmerjim said:
Well thanks for tellin me the Jokes and Memes threads were closed!
Click to expand...
Hey Jim, the Jokes and meme's have been combined into a new thread
1) because they were both "overloaded"
2) far too many people were moaning that cartoon's were being posted in the joke thread and the odd joke was being posted in the meme's.
This way it'll still give people a chance t' moan, but at least they are all in the same place and stickied at the top (y)
 
On the exact spot where my house is, it is the place King Harold recruited his army for the 1066 Battle of Hastings.

The first man to offer his services was an axe thrower
King Harold said " how good an axe thrower are you?"
The axe thrower said "Sire I am the best in all England""

"Let me see you cut that twig on that branch on the tree so it falls to the ground" said King Harold

So the axe man raised is axe and threw it and it cut down the afore mentioned twig.

King Harold was so impressed he made the axe thrower one of his personal guard

Next to offer his services was a spear thrower.
So king Harold asked " " how good an spear thrower are you?"
The spear thrower replied "Sire I am the best in all England"


King Harold set up a target and said "let me see you throw a spear into the middle of that target"

The spear thrower threw the spear and hit the dead centre of the target

King Harold was so impressed he made the spear thrower one of his personal guards as well.

The third person who offered his services was not a fighting man but the village idiot.

So King Harold asked him "What can you do to fight the enemy?"
The villiage idiot said he didn't know but wanted to fight instead of tending the cows in the field every day.

So King Harold gave it some thought and decided he might be good with a bow and arrow.
So he gave the villiage idiot a bow and arrow and asked him to shoot with it

Well the arrow must have bounced off every nearby tree.
King Harold was so worried he said "Put that man at the back of the army before he has someones eye out"
 
Could be several locations - Wimbledon IS one of them... But there's also the same sign at Willesden Green that always makes me him the song.
 
A couple had been out shopping for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realised that her husband had disappeared. She was so angry, she rang his mobile and asked, "Where are you?!" In a calm voice, he replied, "Darling, do you remember the jewellery shop we went into 5 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I said one day when I had enough money, I would get it for you?" She smiled and her eyes filled with tears, "yes, my love I remember." "Well I'm in the pub next door to that."
 
think i,m the whole seven of them dwarfes rolled into one
 
Wiganrs, celebrate! For today is international Pi day!
 
Mugabe spelled wrong? Realise with a z?
Oh dear. :p
 
Mountkeen said:
But only if you live in deeply backward places like "Murica" where they do stupid things to the date.:facepalm:

Hence today in "Murica" it's 3.14.16

In the REAL world, it's 14/03/16
Click to expand...


Whoosh!

People from Wigan (WiganErs) like piE...
 
A conversation

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:How many beers a day?

Man:Usually about 3 pints

Woman:How much do you pay per pint?

Man: Oh....about £3.50

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a pint of beer costs £3.50 and you have 3 pints a day which puts your spending each month at £315. In one year, it would be approximately £3,780 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend £3,780, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at £75,600, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a variety of high-yielding ISAs and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?
 
I thought that pulling the shell off my racing snail would help it move faster. If anything it became more sluggish.
 
Saw this woman in ASDA..............


I said "Can I talk to you for a little while as I've lost my wife."

She said, "Sure, but I'm not sure that will help"

I said "It will, within just a few seconds she'll appear out of fookin nowhere!!!!"
 
Apparently, real conversations with IT support.

IT1.png IT2.png IT3.png
 
"No mistakes, just happy little accidents!"

IIRC he worked in acrylic rather than oil but I may well not remember correctly!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top