The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Reminds me of a lesson in my Student days. I'd drunk cider, vodka, & whiskey at a end of term bash with no problems at all. Just one drop of Rum & I was sick.

I've never touched Rum since - lesson learned!
Irish whiskey did it for me. Same outcome.
 
My wife was cleaning our son's bedroom. She was cleaning under the bed when she found some serious bondage gear and fettish magazines, " what the hell are we going to do?" she asked, " well I'm no expert but giving him a spank is not the option"
 
I surf the web a lot, and I guess I was using too much bandwidth, because the other day I got an automated phone call from my service provider. It was The Rolling Stones singing, "Hey, you. Get off of my cloud!"
 
Reminds me of a lesson in my Student days. I'd drunk cider, vodka, & whiskey at a end of term bash with no problems at all. Just one drop of Rum & I was sick.

I've never touched Rum since - lesson learned!
When my late father in law was a teenager, one night he smoked 20 cigarettes and drank two pints of beer in an evening. He was violently sick and never drank another drop of alcohol but smoked 40 a day for the rest of his life.
 
A pretty little girl named Sally was sitting on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Conservative Party, Boris Johnson.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Sally said.
"How old are they?" asked Mr Johnson.
Sally replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?
"Conservative supporters," answered Sally with a sweet smile.
Mr Johnson was delighted, a golden opportunity beckoned.

As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the three of them agreed that they should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Sally was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when Johnson’s motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, Channels 4, Channels 5, CNN and Sky News, cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Johnson got out of his limo and walked over to little Sally.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away."
"Yes sir," Sally said. "They're Labour supporters."
Taken by surprise, Boris stammered, But...but...yesterday, you told me they were Conservative SUPPORTERS."
Little Sally smiled and said, "I know what I said yesterday sir,
But today, they have opened their eyes."
 
A pretty little girl named Sally was sitting on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Conservative Party, Boris Johnson.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Sally said.
"How old are they?" asked Mr Johnson.
Sally replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?
"Conservative supporters," answered Sally with a sweet smile.
Mr Johnson was delighted, a golden opportunity beckoned.

As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the three of them agreed that they should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Sally was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when Johnson’s motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, Channels 4, Channels 5, CNN and Sky News, cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Johnson got out of his limo and walked over to little Sally.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away."
"Yes sir," Sally said. "They're Labour supporters."
Taken by surprise, Boris stammered, But...but...yesterday, you told me they were Conservative SUPPORTERS."
Little Sally smiled and said, "I know what I said yesterday sir,
But today, they have opened their eyes."

That would work equally well for Jeremy Corbin.
 
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