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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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Mmmmm Spaten...lovely
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Spaten breasts? Never heard that expression before....
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OUCH!
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Something you want to tell us?....
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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2028, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2028, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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A warning to all: avoid using Aldi - the local one to me in Merthyr has just made some changes - so it might be the same in yours too.
I've just got back from a truly awful there shopping trip. Having queued up, patiently and socially distancing, as I neared the entrance a shop worker clipped a carabena onto the belt loop of my jeans, my perplexed expression must have said it all as she explained that whilst people are distancing in the queue outside, they aren't distancing once inside the store.
So what some Donut has dreamt up is to rope 6 ir so customers together with 2m of rope between each of us!
Well these are strange times and with the threat of a second wave of infection I thought I'd best not complain and just tow the line (so to speak).
I'm telling you now, what an absolute idiotic idea this is. We've negotiated our way in to the store, some with trolleys and others trying to grab a basket before the berserk conga line drags them away.
I'm was near the middle of the rope picking up some veg, the woman at the front, who was trussed up like a kid in a harness was trying to drag the whole line to the apples and the bloke at the back trying to pull the other way to get his hands on last weeks courgettes which were now this weeks courgette offer.
It was like tug-of-war for the deranged.
It's embarrassing to say, but I lost it, started ranting and raving about the rope and how on earth are people meant to shop like this, I went to unclip the carabena which miraculously brought the attention of the staff who told me I'd be asked to leave the shop if I uncliped. " we're not rock climbing, we're trying to buy cheese" are words which I'll carry with me to my grave.
Strangely this outburst had the effect of bringing our train together as a team.
We carried on now with lots of communication, people passing stuff along the line to other to fill their baskets. Now I know passing things to one another could spread the infection as much as person to person contact but I honestly think if we hadn't of done, I'd still be there now.
As we started along the aisle I generally refer to as "biscuits and creosote", it was clear from the melee that all was not well in the adjacent aisle. As far as I could tell there had been 2 trains of people and a lady in the middle of one chain had ducked under the other to get her hands on a pop-art cat bed. The tangle had resulted in a multi-pedestran pile up in which the epicentre resembled the diety Durga, it wasn't clear how long they'd been there but one old chap was trying to free himself by feverishly sawing at the rope with his house keys.
We navigated the remaining aisles without major trauma, other than having to rescue Doreen (2nd in line) after she fell in the chest freezer trying to reach the last beef Wellington. We were individually unclipped prior to the till, at which point any cameradery we'd had quickly evaporated as everyone scrambled for the first available till.
With the ordeal still impeding rational thought, it was a welcome and familiar sight to have the check out throw all my shopping on the floor in the normal 1000mph fashion. I really did not appreciate being strung along like that, but I hope you did.
I don't think I'll be going back there in a hurry!!!!!!
I've just got back from a truly awful there shopping trip. Having queued up, patiently and socially distancing, as I neared the entrance a shop worker clipped a carabena onto the belt loop of my jeans, my perplexed expression must have said it all as she explained that whilst people are distancing in the queue outside, they aren't distancing once inside the store.
So what some Donut has dreamt up is to rope 6 ir so customers together with 2m of rope between each of us!
Well these are strange times and with the threat of a second wave of infection I thought I'd best not complain and just tow the line (so to speak).
I'm telling you now, what an absolute idiotic idea this is. We've negotiated our way in to the store, some with trolleys and others trying to grab a basket before the berserk conga line drags them away.
I'm was near the middle of the rope picking up some veg, the woman at the front, who was trussed up like a kid in a harness was trying to drag the whole line to the apples and the bloke at the back trying to pull the other way to get his hands on last weeks courgettes which were now this weeks courgette offer.
It was like tug-of-war for the deranged.
It's embarrassing to say, but I lost it, started ranting and raving about the rope and how on earth are people meant to shop like this, I went to unclip the carabena which miraculously brought the attention of the staff who told me I'd be asked to leave the shop if I uncliped. " we're not rock climbing, we're trying to buy cheese" are words which I'll carry with me to my grave.
Strangely this outburst had the effect of bringing our train together as a team.
We carried on now with lots of communication, people passing stuff along the line to other to fill their baskets. Now I know passing things to one another could spread the infection as much as person to person contact but I honestly think if we hadn't of done, I'd still be there now.
As we started along the aisle I generally refer to as "biscuits and creosote", it was clear from the melee that all was not well in the adjacent aisle. As far as I could tell there had been 2 trains of people and a lady in the middle of one chain had ducked under the other to get her hands on a pop-art cat bed. The tangle had resulted in a multi-pedestran pile up in which the epicentre resembled the diety Durga, it wasn't clear how long they'd been there but one old chap was trying to free himself by feverishly sawing at the rope with his house keys.
We navigated the remaining aisles without major trauma, other than having to rescue Doreen (2nd in line) after she fell in the chest freezer trying to reach the last beef Wellington. We were individually unclipped prior to the till, at which point any cameradery we'd had quickly evaporated as everyone scrambled for the first available till.
With the ordeal still impeding rational thought, it was a welcome and familiar sight to have the check out throw all my shopping on the floor in the normal 1000mph fashion. I really did not appreciate being strung along like that, but I hope you did.
I don't think I'll be going back there in a hurry!!!!!!
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Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
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What, no Social Engineer to advise that there should be a long term study to determine the correct loading order of the passengers inclusive of age, gender and contribution to the benefit of all participants!
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I prefer the version where it's a Microsoft engineer who says "let's close all the windows, get out, get back in and open the windows again"
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Do not pass go, do not collect £200.............................but go directly to HMP Durham............
Nod
Tootles
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