The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I went to the doctor with a bad rash on my hands.
The doctor examined my hands carefully and consulted many large volumes on his shelves.
Finally, he asked me: "Have you had this trouble before?"
I answered: "Yes."
And the doctor said: "Well, You've got it again!"
 
After a run of bad luck, Klause Beethoven, Ludwig's younger brother moved to, what can only be described as a hovel. One night he decided to go out for a beer.
On entering the bar he could hear someone trying to bang out a tune on an old piano. curiosity got the better of him and went to try and listen to some music,
This was almost impossible, there were two or three drunken brawls going on, women waitresses screaming as the drunks were trying to fondle them.
It was just utter mayhem. The resident pianist got up from the piano and walked out, saying to the landlord find someone else I've had enough.
Young Klause said to the landlord, may I give you a tune. If you want to take the risk go ahead. Klause got seated and started to play.
Within minutes the room was silent, apart from the piano. The whole room could not believe the beautiful music coming from the piano.
At the end, the whole room gave him a standing ovation. The landlord said to him, how come someone who can play such beautiful music as you can are living in this area.
I have had a run of bad luck. My brother kicked me out after writing that music, I'm just about broke now. Why not publish the music, you will make plenty of money.
No one will publish it said Klause. I have tried nearly every publishing house in Europe no one wants to know. I will try and help. Tell me what is the music called.
I love you so much I can't sh!t said Klause.
 
Cummings was in Durham investigating reports of film footage showing an alternate reality where Corbyn was president of the United States of Europe, and Brexit never happened. Amazon will be dramatizing this story as "The Man in the Eye Castle".
 
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s*** on its head."
 
A Dominic Cummings is now part of golf. A player may make a long drive out of bounds and shall receive no penalty.
 
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