The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Five surgeons are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Belfast City Hospital, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Antrim Area Hospital, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is co lour coded."

The third surgeon, from Royal Belfast Hospital , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Musgrave Park Hospital "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Ulster Hospital, Dundonald , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’
 
Cobra said:
Its the people in Scunthorpe that I feel sorry for :(
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I knew someone who used to live in Shorpe. He's the complete opposite of what you might be thinking - he's a total pr**k...
 
ancient_mariner said:
From our hotel menu (really).
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My daughters vegan, and she buys vegan 'sausages' & 'cheese'. The sausages are MUCH closer to ordinary ones than the 'cheese' (which is IMO ineddible unless cooked) I can't vouch for vegan 'ham' but I'm pretty sure someone will make it.

Nevertheless I suspect not understanding the concept of Veganism is more like the cause. I aslso remember a cartering situation where omnivores where given sausages (typically 75% meat) and the veggies were given chicken (100% meat).
 
SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.
 
Stolen from another forum ...


This morning Me and six mates decided to test the governments latest.
We sat at the table inside a pub when a covid marshall appeared.
Next thing the police arrived and threw us into the back of a van.
We were fast tracked into court.
£700 fine and were now we are all entered on the six offenders register.
 
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