The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Did you know, before the crowbar was invented,crows had to drink at home ?
 
While strolling around the Marina this morning about 7 am., I noticed a character shouting "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.




I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
 
Looks a bit nippy...
 
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must Abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase, either.”
 
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