The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A bloke called my wife a pig last night...

I said, "Don’t listen to him, Babe!"

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My boss is threatening to sack the employee who has the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me!
 
A few one liners apologies for any repetition:

~ One door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

~ When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?

~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

~ I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

~ I run like the winded.

~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

~ When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

~ Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

~ That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

~ The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

~ My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
 
I came home from the pub this morning at 3am, only to see my wife standing at the front door holding a rolling pin. I said, "What are you doing baking at this time of the morning?"

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Feeling sad as my clothes horse has finally broken beyond repair after I've had it for 25 years...

It's the end of an airer!

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Terrible news from my mate and his new wife on honeymoon in Croatia...

He's just sent a message saying that tomorrow they're going to Split!

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My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have three records, what would they be?"

I said, "The long distance swimming one would be handy!"

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A man goes into the pharmacy and asks for something for hiccups. The pharmacist reaches out and slaps the mans face hard.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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I'm thinking of starting up a new business, recycling discarded chewing gum...

I just need some help getting it off the ground!

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Last night at the strip club the ugliest woman I've ever seen dances up to me and says, "Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"

I said, "My glasses!"

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My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes."

I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later."

He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one!"

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Just back from a holiday in Thailand & I came close to sh@gging a ladyboy! Looked like a lady, walked & talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.

It was only when she drove me to her place & reversed the car in the garage first time I thought to myself, "Hang on a minute?"

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My mate installed a new window in a local branch of Vision Express, then realised he'd gone to the wrong place...

Should have gone to Specsavers!
 
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Cockney said:
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That reminds me of the one where a girl goes out on a date, they go to the funfair and he asks her what she wants to do
"Get weighed"
So he takes her to the weighing machine, then they continue, again he asks what she would really like to do.
"Get weighed"
By now, he's beginning to think this is a waste of time, tries to be cheerful, and asks again, to recieve the same answer.
So he gives up and they go their seperate ways.
On arriving back home, she's asked
"How did your date go?"
"Wowsy"
 
Like the Valkyrie whose first date was with a Norse god. After a quick dalliance, he introduced himself - "I'm Thor." "Tho am I," she replied, "I woth a virgin!"
 
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little b*****d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
 
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
 
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