The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of builders turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those bastards at Jewsons deliver the f*****g bricks on time.'
 
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me five shots of your best scotch!" The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow, that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink!" says the bartender. "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies, "50 cents."
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150."
 
mex said:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Click to expand...

Just did a double take and I feel like it is groundhog Day............... :LOL:

PS here on previous page https://www.talkphotography.co.uk/t...es-thread-jokes-memes-etc.617156/post-8844924
 
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A mounted traffic policeman is on duty, and a little girl rides her new bike past.
So he calls out to her "Nice bike, did Santa bring it?
"Yes, he did", she replied.
So the cop writes out a ticket saying "Next time, tell Santa to put a rear reflector on the bike"
She then asks "Nice horse, did Santa bring it?"
"He sure did", says the cop with a broad grin
Ever so sweetly and innocently she says
"Next time, tell Santa that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!"
 
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
 
A townie teacher gets her first job at a country school. All goes well for a few weeks until one of the 11 year old boys walked in about 30 minutes late, says "Usual Miss" and sits down. A couple of weeks later another boy of about the same age does exactly the same thing, this causes her to become upset at the lack of any apology or explanation.

When a third boy does it, she asks the boy, in a very abrupt manner, what "the usual" actually involves. He answers "taking the sow to the boar miss", to which she replies "That's disgusting, can't your father do that?" The boy replies "No Miss. it has to be the boar." :exit:
 
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