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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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Define huge?....
well...........................
look at the diagram under the title, I'm not one to brag but...
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Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."
badlywornroy
I am not macho
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I have had a right bad day !
I've just been to the vets, I had to take my budgie, 'Mr Bojangles'
I got him there and the vet said "Sir, I'm sorry, there is nothing we can do for him. he's dead!"
I said "how do you know?" he said "I've just listened with my stethoscope thing"
I said, "are you sure, I've had him years"
He said "he's dead"
I said "but you haven't done any tests on him at all"
The vet said "Look, I'll show you" He comes in with a black labrador.
The labrador jumps up onto the counter and sniffs Mr Bojangles, he looks up at the vet and shakes his head and walks off.
I thought, what the f**k. I said "I've never seen anything like that before"
The vet said "watch this sir" he comes in with a little cat. The cat jumps up onto the counter, has a little sniff at Mr Bojangles, meows gently, and walks out.
I said "what's that mean?"
The vet said "Sir, he's dead, we tried to tell you . . . he's DEAD"
I said "Ok, fair enough, how much do I owe you?"
£300.00 the vet said.
I said, "You have the nerve to charge me £300.00 to tell me my budgie's dead"
The vet said, "If you had taken my word for it in the first place I would have charged you £50.00 but after the Lab test and the Cat scan it's gone up to £300.00"
I've just been to the vets, I had to take my budgie, 'Mr Bojangles'
I got him there and the vet said "Sir, I'm sorry, there is nothing we can do for him. he's dead!"
I said "how do you know?" he said "I've just listened with my stethoscope thing"
I said, "are you sure, I've had him years"
He said "he's dead"
I said "but you haven't done any tests on him at all"
The vet said "Look, I'll show you" He comes in with a black labrador.
The labrador jumps up onto the counter and sniffs Mr Bojangles, he looks up at the vet and shakes his head and walks off.
I thought, what the f**k. I said "I've never seen anything like that before"
The vet said "watch this sir" he comes in with a little cat. The cat jumps up onto the counter, has a little sniff at Mr Bojangles, meows gently, and walks out.
I said "what's that mean?"
The vet said "Sir, he's dead, we tried to tell you . . . he's DEAD"
I said "Ok, fair enough, how much do I owe you?"
£300.00 the vet said.
I said, "You have the nerve to charge me £300.00 to tell me my budgie's dead"
The vet said, "If you had taken my word for it in the first place I would have charged you £50.00 but after the Lab test and the Cat scan it's gone up to £300.00"
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D
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My neighbour is a dwarf and very rude and ungratefull. I saw him at the busstop today so I stopped and said get in. He just yelled f*** THE HELL OFF tsk tsk so I closed my backpack and walked on
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