The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A guy at a bar says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 I can pee in that cup all the way over there at the end of the bar." The bartender agrees, so the guy whips it out and he pees all over the bar. Having just won $1,000, the bartender starts smiling. The guy goes over to a table where his friends are seating and collects a bunch of money from them. He walks back to the bar, gives the bartender his $1,000, and then starts laughing. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The guy says, "Before I bet you, I bet all of my friends over there $2,000 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would be happy about it!"
 
Having seen the news tonight, I wonder if it's too late for me to bring out a special Christmas record for Wales, with "You're not welcome in the hillside" on the A side and "Don't come, Rhondda" on the B side?

Happy Xmas 2020 everyone... and remember, it's being so cheerful that keeps us going! (y)

(Joking aside, if you are feeling a bit down then keep your chin up, we're nearer getting this thing beaten than ever and it's only one Xmas that's going to be a bit odd, and it's up to us to make the best of it we possibly can under the circumstances. My love to all.)
 
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.
“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the s*** out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Couple of minutes ago.” replied the cowboy.
 
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux was friends. One day, Boudreaux saw Thibodeaux driving a brand new Ford. He said, "Thibodeaux, where'd you get that new truck? You don't have no job." Tibodeaux said, "You know Mrs. Patty? She's been sweet on me for quite some time. Today, she took me out into the woods in this here truck. She got out the truck, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Thibodeaux, take what you want.' So I took the truck." Boudreaux said, "Well dats good for you Thibodeaux, because her clothes would never fit you."
 
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