The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

They don't make Christmas presents like they used to. I remember getting a Chemistry Set one Christmas in the 1970s, now that was a proper present. By New Year's day we had the only cat on our estate that knew what its house looked like from 300 feet.
 
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Mr Badger said:
They don't make Christmas presents like they used to. I remember getting a Chemistry Set one Christmas in the 1970s, now that was a proper present, By New Year's day we had the only cat on our estate that knew what its house looked like from 300 feet.
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I knew I wanted to work in a lab for quite a long time. Aged around 14 I managed to acquire spirits of salts (conc. HCl sold as a drain cleaner) and a quantity of zinc granules from a chemistry set. Popped the granules into a conical flask that had been a vinegar bottle, poured in the SoS and then put a bung in the mouth with a long glass tube attached through it. Felt the need for a wee, so gave my younger brother the instruction "give it a few moments, then light to gas that comes out of the tube". I was half-way through the wee when I heard a 'BOMP' sound from the room next door, rushed back to find the flame had flashed back down the tube & blown the bung and tube out hard enough to mark the ceiling, but fortunately not hard enough to shatter the conical flask & cover my brother with conc acid.

He went on to become a fairly senior molecular virologist before retiring last year, so apparently it did no harm at all. ;)
 
Three guys are stranded on a remote island when a native appears out of nowhere and says, "I will grant you one weapon with which to kill yourself so I can make a boat out of your skins." The first guy wishes for a pistol, shoots himself, and dies. The second guy does the same, but the third guy wishes for a fork, stabs himself everywhere, and says, "Ha! Try making a boat out of that!"
 
An extremely obese man with severe stomach pains goes to see a doctor. He can hardly stand, the pain is so bad. After an examination, the doctor is holding the x-rays and asks, "Did you at one time swallow a bullet?" The man answers, "Swallow a bullet? Of course not!" The doctor replies, "Well then, I'm afraid you've been shot!"
 
A man walks into a bar and sees a pianist, who is only one foot tall, playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?" The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want." The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head. The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!" And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
 
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