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and help to keep the site free for all
The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
- Start date
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- 1,281
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- Malc
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OP
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- The real Chris
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The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home ... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your e-mail!"
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home ... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your e-mail!"
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- Bob
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- George.
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Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"
OP
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- The real Chris
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A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show.
He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
“Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.
” The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.”
The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?”
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.
“Hi there, Mr. dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied,
“Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!” Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could
speak with the farmer’s horse.
“Well, you know, horses don’t talk.” Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.”
So the farmer brought out his horse.
“Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist.
The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!”
Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”
He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
“Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.
” The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.”
The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?”
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.
“Hi there, Mr. dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied,
“Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!” Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could
speak with the farmer’s horse.
“Well, you know, horses don’t talk.” Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.”
So the farmer brought out his horse.
“Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist.
The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!”
Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”
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- Graeme
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Should there be any here for whom English is not their native tongue and may be struggling to be fully understood at all times, just remember that 'read' is pronounced the same as 'lead' and 'read' is pronounced the same as 'lead'.
Thank me later ...
Thank me later ...
sphexx
Likes a dare
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Thanks, that’s as clear as mud.
badlywornroy
I am not macho
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- Roy
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Boris Johnson is travelling in his official car to visit Nicola Sturgeon, when heading down a country lane a pig suddenly runs out in front of the car getting run over and killed instantly. The prime minister, disgusted, says to his driver:
- Find the farm where the animal comes from and explain what happened. Tell them that they will be compensated and that we are sorry.
Three hours later, the chauffeur staggers back, a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar box in the other, and his hair and clothes completely unkempt.
" What happened?" - asks Johnson, sincerely surprised.
The chauffeur tries to regain his composure and replies:
-Prime minister ... I found the farmer who owns the pig and he gave me this bottle of wine, his wife offered me some food and gave me these cigars and his daughter made passionate love to me.
- Wow ... ! "What did you tell them?"
- I told them: "I am Boris Johnson’s driver and I just accidentally killed the pig"
- Find the farm where the animal comes from and explain what happened. Tell them that they will be compensated and that we are sorry.
Three hours later, the chauffeur staggers back, a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar box in the other, and his hair and clothes completely unkempt.
" What happened?" - asks Johnson, sincerely surprised.
The chauffeur tries to regain his composure and replies:
-Prime minister ... I found the farmer who owns the pig and he gave me this bottle of wine, his wife offered me some food and gave me these cigars and his daughter made passionate love to me.
- Wow ... ! "What did you tell them?"
- I told them: "I am Boris Johnson’s driver and I just accidentally killed the pig"
- Messages
- 2,027
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- Graeme
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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason and for the benefit of others.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason and for the benefit of others.
sphexx
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Or maybe the moral is you have to keep your wits about you when dealing with gods
. I think the ancient Greeks found this to be true.
