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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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- Graeme
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The first band I was in was a warm up act named The Radiators.
Then I joined The Duvets and mostly did cover versions.
After that I was in an outfit called Cats Eyes doing middle of the road stuff.
Following a bit of a fall out we reformed under the name of Missing Cat, you’ve probably seen our posters …
Then I joined The Duvets and mostly did cover versions.
After that I was in an outfit called Cats Eyes doing middle of the road stuff.
Following a bit of a fall out we reformed under the name of Missing Cat, you’ve probably seen our posters …
Gremlin
Houdini
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- Ingrid
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A WIFE Sends a Message to Her HUSBAND
WIFE : “Honey, please don't forget to buy bread when you're coming home from work and lest I forget... Your girlfriend Patricia is also here and says hello to you.”
HUSBAND : Who is Patricia?
WIFE: Nobody, I just wanted you to respond, so I can have confirmation that you saw my message.
HUSBAND : But I’m with Patricia right now, I thought you saw me!
WIFE : What! Where are you?
Husband: Near the neighbourhood bakery.
WIFE:Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
WIFE: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
HUSBAND :
I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, please buy the bread and go home!
WIFE : “Honey, please don't forget to buy bread when you're coming home from work and lest I forget... Your girlfriend Patricia is also here and says hello to you.”
HUSBAND : Who is Patricia?
WIFE: Nobody, I just wanted you to respond, so I can have confirmation that you saw my message.
HUSBAND : But I’m with Patricia right now, I thought you saw me!
WIFE : What! Where are you?
Husband: Near the neighbourhood bakery.
WIFE:Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
WIFE: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
HUSBAND :
I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, please buy the bread and go home!
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- Bob
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- Jak
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The first band I was in was a pal and I at college.
We called ourselves ‘The Symbolics’
I was Sym, he was the other one…
simon ess
Just call me Roxanne.
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That reminds me of the second time I went to see John Ottway and Wild Willy Barret in concert.
John appeared on stage without Willy and said, "Me and Willy have parted company over musical differences. He's got talent and I ain't. So I give him headbutts."
Just like all the other times I saw him live it was a fantastic show.
John appeared on stage without Willy and said, "Me and Willy have parted company over musical differences. He's got talent and I ain't. So I give him headbutts."
Just like all the other times I saw him live it was a fantastic show.
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- Ron
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- Keith
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- dave
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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?' The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!’ ‘That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' ‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?’ ‘No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster! ‘What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my braces from your side view mirror’ !
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster! ‘What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my braces from your side view mirror’ !
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- ken
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OP
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- The real Chris
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I was sitting at a bar recently, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I’d ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy’s face, saying “I slept with your mother.”
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off.
The old guy laughed in the tough guy’s face, saying it again. “Hey, I slept with your mother.”
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, “No seriously, I slept with your mother.”
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough.
He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
“That’s it. We’re going home, Dad. You’re drunk.”
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy’s face, saying “I slept with your mother.”
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off.
The old guy laughed in the tough guy’s face, saying it again. “Hey, I slept with your mother.”
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, “No seriously, I slept with your mother.”
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough.
He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
“That’s it. We’re going home, Dad. You’re drunk.”
Nod
Tootles
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- Nod (UK)
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How do bulldogs have sex with hedgehogs? Not carefully enough, it seems!
www.express.co.uk
The Yorkshire Vet's Peter Wright horrified by dog's traumatic injury
THE YORKSHIRE VET star Peter Wright was left horrified in an upcoming episode of the Channel 5 series after a bulldog sustained a number of injuries - after it tried to have sex with a hedgehog.
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.
"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back garden is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K, buddy! Give me £20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.
"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back garden is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K, buddy! Give me £20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
