The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Magician On A Cruise Ship.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show:

'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'

The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing.

Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of driftwood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing.

Finally, on the third day, the parrot said:

'OK, I give up. What did you do with the bloody ship?'
 
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No picture in the previous post.
 
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Possibly been posted before but still relevant!


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An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.
The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?”

“Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Anna: “Your husband he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”

The second reason : “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “That’s a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Anna: “Your hozban he did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.”
The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”

(A moment of silence passes…)
“So… how much do you want?”
 
I've just spent 3 hours trying to defrost the freezer ..
The O/H prefers I call it fore-play ...
But what ever ...
 
This has been bugging me for ages, now I know Henry VIII had 6 wives - There was Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr but I can't for the life of me remember the surname of the one called Jane.... See More
 
Anne Boleyn, she was the laziest of his wives, no matter how much or how loud he'd summons her,
eventually, she'd just.....

Amble in
( :coat: )
 
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
 
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Please note that the above is in reference to world leaders rather than the local admin!!!
 
Nod said:
Please note that the above is in reference to world leaders rather than the local admin!!!
Click to expand...
/ Removes finger from ban button :D
 
Left little for norty word...

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