The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."
She then told her husband she wanted some whipped cream on the ice cream
"Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wanted a cherry on top of the whipped cream.
"Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes.
He eventually comes back to his wife and hands her a plate of fried eggs and bacon.
The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and says, “I knew you wouldn’t get it right because you didn’t write down what I wanted, you forgot the toast !”
 
286586246_796415158188317_540465087584376674_n.jpg
 
While taking the interview, the employer asked the candidate:
Employer: So, how long did you work during your'e last job?
Candidate: 30 years
Employer: oh, you look young how old are you
Candidate: 20 years old
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years??
Candidate: Overtime!
 
AN ADULT FAIRY TALE:
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what: Metal,Wood, Stone
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away, sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
I WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
Medically speaking ...
Some may argue that there is little or no difference between the two but there is a clear medical distinction between GUTS and BALLS.
We've all heard colleagues referring to people having GUTS and we've also all heard of them referring to others having BALLS.
So here's the official distinction straight from The British Medical Journal, Vol.323, Page 295.
GUTS - Being met by your wife, carrying a broom, after arriving home at two-thirty in the morning after a night out with all your old mates you have the GUTS to say, "Still cleaning at this time of night or are you flying off to see your mother ?'
BALLS - Smelling of beer and cheap perfume, smears of lipstick on your face and shirt you fall through the front door, after a boys night out, colliding with your wife, who's been angrily awaiting your return, you give her a huge wink and have the BALLS to say, "You're next, Chubby !"
I trust this clears up any confusion.
(Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome - both are fatal !).
 
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying
the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: 'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f**k do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says, "Ryanair".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top