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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
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I did this. Got a call at 11am one morning and a nice-sounding Australian girl said to me "Gooday, is that Martin?" I replied in the affirmative. "Great," she says, "well your digeridoo is packed and will ship out today." "Er, thanks," says I, hanging up the phone.
Yes, I had actually bought an Aboriginal didgeridoo all the way from Australia for the sum of £145 after a few wines -- and I'd forgotten.
The story goes on as it wasn't that simple and it was some little time before the didge was finally in my sticky mitts; but that's not for this thread.
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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
Gremlin
Houdini
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A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender, curious, asks, “What’s in the box?”
The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.”
So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.
“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” the bartender says. “Where did you get that?”
The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.”
So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,” he finally reveals.
Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.”
“Sure!” the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.
The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.
“You are now my master,” the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?”
The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!”
All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this!” screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.”
So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.
“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” the bartender says. “Where did you get that?”
The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.”
So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,” he finally reveals.
Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.”
“Sure!” the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.
The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.
“You are now my master,” the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?”
The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!”
All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this!” screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
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Had to do a bit of research to get that one; Johnny Wilkinson would have got it straight away.
ancient_mariner
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ancient_mariner
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ROBIN: Hey Batman, did you have to name everything in the bathroom after you?
BATMAN: No, or course not.
ROBIN: !!!
BATMAN: OK, I know we have Batshampoo.
ROBIN: !!!
BATMAN: But we also have conditioner Gordon.
BATMAN: No, or course not.
ROBIN: !!!
BATMAN: OK, I know we have Batshampoo.
ROBIN: !!!
BATMAN: But we also have conditioner Gordon.
ancient_mariner
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A sweet little girl wearing a pretty pink dress, a child's tiara and a pair of stick-on fairy wings was walking through the park with cute little dog on a pink lead. She sat down on a park bench close to a man reading a newspaper.
"Hello," said the little girl to the man, "what's your name?"
The man looked at the sweet little thing and said, "my name is Mr Jones."
"That's nice" said the girl, a little lisp in her voice.
"And what is your name, little girl?"
"My name is Petal," She replied.
"That's a very pretty name for a very pretty girl, how did you come about that name?"
"Well," said the little girl, "my Mum says that when I was very young and lying in my pram, a petal fell from a flower and landed upon my head, so she called me Petal."
"That's a lovely story," said the Man, "and is this your little dog?"
"It is." She replied.
"And what is your little dog's name?" Asked the man.
"Porky." Replied the girl.
"And why is he called Porky?"
The little girl replied sweetly, "He f***s pigs."
"Hello," said the little girl to the man, "what's your name?"
The man looked at the sweet little thing and said, "my name is Mr Jones."
"That's nice" said the girl, a little lisp in her voice.
"And what is your name, little girl?"
"My name is Petal," She replied.
"That's a very pretty name for a very pretty girl, how did you come about that name?"
"Well," said the little girl, "my Mum says that when I was very young and lying in my pram, a petal fell from a flower and landed upon my head, so she called me Petal."
"That's a lovely story," said the Man, "and is this your little dog?"
"It is." She replied.
"And what is your little dog's name?" Asked the man.
"Porky." Replied the girl.
"And why is he called Porky?"
The little girl replied sweetly, "He f***s pigs."
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A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"
Tringa
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This really should be a joke but we have all seen what Nadine comes out with when she is, or should be, serious(eg in a select committee) and this is just too close to believable.
Dave
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If Celine Dion were to sing the lyrics from her name she would have the chorus from Old Macdonald Had a Farm.
In addition, if Edward Woodward didn't have so many d's in his name he would have been called Ewar Woowar
In addition, if Edward Woodward didn't have so many d's in his name he would have been called Ewar Woowar
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John O’Reilly raised his glass of stout high in the air and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife”.
That won him the pub’s top prize for best toast of the night.
When he got home home he told his wife about winning the prize.
“Aye, did ye now ?” she asked, “And what was your toast ?”
“Here’s to spending the rest of my life in Church with my wife.” John replied.
The next day his wife bumped into one of John’s drinking buddies.
The man chuckled and said, rather leeringly, “Your husband won the pub’s first prize for the best toast of the night last night.”
“Aye, I know, he told me about it.” she said.
“I was a bit surprised, to be honest. He’s only been in there twice in the last five years - He fell asleep the last time and the time before that I had to pull him by the ears to get him to come !”
That won him the pub’s top prize for best toast of the night.
When he got home home he told his wife about winning the prize.
“Aye, did ye now ?” she asked, “And what was your toast ?”
“Here’s to spending the rest of my life in Church with my wife.” John replied.
The next day his wife bumped into one of John’s drinking buddies.
The man chuckled and said, rather leeringly, “Your husband won the pub’s first prize for the best toast of the night last night.”
“Aye, I know, he told me about it.” she said.
“I was a bit surprised, to be honest. He’s only been in there twice in the last five years - He fell asleep the last time and the time before that I had to pull him by the ears to get him to come !”
