The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

That's always a problem when the things are loaded with bigger moobs than the boobs they were designed for!!! :p
 
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I have the brand name ready - Max F*cter...
 
DorsetDude said:
Just spent a futile twenty minutes trying to get the wife's bra off. Wish I'd never put the bloody thing on now.
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From the same joke book, I've just spent 2 hours trying to de-frost the fridge..
She prefers I call it fore-play though..

Gremlin said:
Just for you
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:LOL:
Personally I wouldn't know what to eat first, tough call :D
 
American Express? ;)
 
William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear range. In hindsight "Shatner Knickers" wasn't a good choice of name in the 1st place.
 
Wee? If that's to scale, it looks about the same as his spine to belly distance - and that's about 14" (for me)...
 
A bloke on crutches was hobbling past a community centre and he seen a big poster saying "American Faith Healer Here Today"! He thought he'd go in and see if he could get his legs sorted. He went into the hall and there stood the Faith Healer who said "my Son I see that your mobility is impaired", the bloke says "yes I've had operations, but they can't fix my legs". The Faith Healer asked "do you believe in God and do you believe in miracles"? "Yes Sir" said the bloke with... the crutches, the Faith Healer told him to go behind the screen that was placed in the hall, just then another bloke walked in and the Faith Healer asked, "what is your impairment my Son"? The bloke said "IIII haaavvve aaaa stttuuuttter and iiii haaaave haaad it aaaalll mmmmmmyyyy lllliiffffe. The Faith Healer asked "do you believe in God and do you believe in miracles"? The bloke said "yyyyeeeeaaahhh iiiii dooo" So the Faith Healer told him to go behind the screen and stand with the bloke on crutches. The Faith Healer started his incantations and asked the 2 blokes to pray with him to God for a miracle to cure them. After 10 minutes of this, the Faith Healer told the bloke with crutches to throw them away because he no longer needed them so the 2 crutches came flying over the screen. He then said to the man with the stutter
speak now", a voice came from behind the screen saying "hhhheeee ffffffffeeeellllll oooovvveeerr.
 
Doc said:
A bloke on crutches was hobbling past a community centre and he seen a big poster saying "American Faith Healer Here Today"! He thought he'd go in and see if he could get his legs sorted. He went into the hall and there stood the Faith Healer who said "my Son I see that your mobility is impaired", the bloke says "yes I've had operations, but they can't fix my legs". The Faith Healer asked "do you believe in God and do you believe in miracles"? "Yes Sir" said the bloke with... the crutches, the Faith Healer told him to go behind the screen that was placed in the hall, just then another bloke walked in and the Faith Healer asked, "what is your impairment my Son"? The bloke said "IIII haaavvve aaaa stttuuuttter and iiii haaaave haaad it aaaalll mmmmmmyyyy lllliiffffe. The Faith Healer asked "do you believe in God and do you believe in miracles"? The bloke said "yyyyeeeeaaahhh iiiii dooo" So the Faith Healer told him to go behind the screen and stand with the bloke on crutches. The Faith Healer started his incantations and asked the 2 blokes to pray with him to God for a miracle to cure them. After 10 minutes of this, the Faith Healer told the bloke with crutches to throw them away because he no longer needed them so the 2 crutches came flying over the screen. He then said to the man with the stutter
speak now", a voice came from behind the screen saying "hhhheeee ffffffffeeeellllll oooovvveeerr.
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What's the betting he'll be getting new tyres on his wheelchair next ?
 
And the joke is ??
 
the black fox said:
And the joke is ??
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'A chap in a wheelchair decided to visit the healing waters of Lourdes.
It was very crowded, but he spotted a gap and went for it at such a pace that he ended up in the pool, wheelchair and all.
When they fished him out he was quite disappointed to find that he was still unable to walk, but found consolation in the fact that his wheelchair now had a brand new set of tyres.'
 
No not that one docs story ,don't get it ?
 
Parallel lines have so much in common It's a shame they'll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature so I told her to get out of my fort.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much I'm worth, then they call me ugly and poor.

A physicist saw a young man about to jump off a roof so he shouted to him "Don't do it ! You have so much potential !"

Want to hear a word I just made up ? 'Plagiarism'.

I took the shell off my racing snail in the hope he'd run faster but, if anything, it made him more sluggish.

Someone stole my mood ring and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
 
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