The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A chap I knew used to nick panties off his gorgeous neighbour's line until her rugby player husband caught him - he damn near crapped her panties...
 
This is true. Over the weekend my wife went to a work fair/recruitment event and the company she was representing was called Grampian. It's a health care company in Australia. There were representatives from Canada,New Zealand ,US etc. She basically interviewed those interested and the successful ones were put forward to the company who took it from there. So..along comes a young man who was well qualified in whatever branch of health care it was and my wife decided to put him forward so she went through other questions and at the end asked him why he wanted to go to Australia. "Australia ?" he said in surprise. "I thought it was in Scotland" :rolleyes:. I asked my wife if there was a poster showing it was in Australia and she said yes. He just hadn't noticed it..obviously just saw the name on large letters 'Grampian Health'..By the way..others put forward were two consultants and a doctor who'd all had enough of the NHS. Also..several Nigerian nurses who were up at Masters level. That's what we're losing .
 
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
 
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A Russian soldier runs up to a nun.

“Please let me hide under your habit, I’ll explain later”

The nun agrees, a few moments later 2 military policemen run up and ask

“Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

“He went that away” and she points.

The police run away and the man climbs out from under her habit. The soldier says

“I can’t thank you enough, I don’t want to go to Ukraine.”

The nun says, “I completely understand.”

The soldier then says, “I hope I’m not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs.”

The nun replies…..

“If you’d looked any higher you would have seen a great pair of balls,

I don’t want to go to Ukraine either.”
 
Funny Picdump
 
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The woman says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."
 
Did Liz truss and co write that
 
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Nod said:
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That reminds me of the Goons,
"I've come to inform you that you have been remembered in his will"
"How much, how much?"
"Well, actually nothing, he said he remembered you in his will"

Or from Round the Horne
"To my nephew, knowing how he has always thought about me, I do leave the contents of my stables.
However, I have already sold the horses"
 
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kennethwfd said:
That reminds me of the Goons,
"I've come to inform you that you have been remembered in his will"
"How much, how much?"
"Well, actually nothing, he said he remembered you in his will"

Or from Round the Horne
"To my nephew, knowing how he has always thought about me, I do leave the contents of my stables.
However, I have already sold the horses"
Click to expand...
I remember Spike Milligan's novel The Looney which had a reading of the last will and testament of one of the characters which simply said: "**** the lot of you!"
 
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