The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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A 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
 
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Don't see the dog picking mine up though...
 
Subtle @Steep very subtle :D
 
That's me, I steal only the very best work :D
 
DorsetDude said:
Can I just cut in and say thats a shame, they had the welcome matt out ready.

Primer facie it looks like self inflicted injury.
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Groan. You're on a roller.

Let's just brush these puns under the carpet?
 
Llamaman said:
Groan. You're on a roller.

Let's just brush these puns under the carpet?
Click to expand...
True, I dont want to end up with eggshell on my face.

They're going to play a Moody Blues song at his funeral, Im not sure what might work best but I think Nights in White satin would.

I'll get me coat.
 
Scotland's cheaper answer to the baby box..

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
 
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A man walked into his local pub and was a little surprised to see a donkey standing by the bar, and asked the barman why it was there.
"It's a little competition I've set up for the punters." replied the barman. "If you can make the donkey laugh you get free drinks all evening."
"O. K.", said the man, "I reckon I can do it, but I'll need to take the donkey outside."
The barman agreed to this, and the man led the donkey outside. Within seconds, the donkey crawled back in through the door and rolled on the floor almost breathless with laughter.
"Blimey!" said the barman, "I've never seen that happen before! Free drinks all night it is then, as promised. Tell you what, if you can make the donkey cry, I'll give you free drinks all week!"
The man took a sip of his drink, then lead the donkey outside again, and in a minute or so the donkey quietly returned to the bar and suddenly broke down in tears, sobbing uncontrollably.
"I've never seen anything like it!" said the barman, "How did you do it?"
"Well," said the man "I made the donkey laugh by telling it I had the biggest willy."
"I must admit that is quite funny," said the barman, "but how did you make it cry?"
"By showing it to him."
 
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