The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

"If it don't fit, don't force it!!!"
 
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles airport.

The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion,
"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a s***?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"
 
One of my golf buddies picked up a Valentine's card in Tesco yesterday but then spotted a more apt one a bit further on. Not knowing how to cancel the self scan gun thingy, he opted to keep both. When he got home, his wife was looking through the receipt and spotted both purchases...
 
Nod said:
One of my golf buddies picked up a Valentine's card in Tesco yesterday but then spotted a more apt one a bit further on. Not knowing how to cancel the self scan gun thingy, he opted to keep both. When he got home, his wife was looking through the receipt and spotted both purchases...
Click to expand...
He told her to play through and she kicked him in the ruff?
 
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 -year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs on to Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all amazed.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "What girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
 
<Mod Edit>
Please keep things like this to the NSFW jokes thread.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
It's on top of my mank... strange beachwear!!!
 
I got a phone call from the school today to inform me my boy was being expelled,
"why" I asked?
"he's been playing doctors and nurses with a girl", the headmaster replied.
I said,"but all kids do that, it's no reason for expulsion".
"he's removed her bloody appendix"
 
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I'd rather go to Lungdung!
 
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched."

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, "What would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too."
 
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I've got tits as well!!!
 
Last night???



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