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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
- Start date
- Messages
- 194
- Name
- John
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For £50 quid, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man.
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For £50 quid, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man.
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
- Messages
- 194
- Name
- John
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition.
When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read…“You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog s***e, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read:
“1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow won't ever get better!"
Thank you for shopping at Tesco."
When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read…“You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog s***e, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read:
“1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow won't ever get better!"
Thank you for shopping at Tesco."
- Messages
- 1,001
- Name
- John Stewart
- Edit My Images
- Yes
- Messages
- 194
- Name
- John
- Edit My Images
- Yes
A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say "I've already paid your colleague who has left".
Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave".
The rabbi is impressed, and says "Let's try it together this evening".
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.
Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left".
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say "I've already paid your colleague who has left".
Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave".
The rabbi is impressed, and says "Let's try it together this evening".
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.
Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left".
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
- Messages
- 951
- Name
- ken
- Edit My Images
- Yes
she was admiring herself in front of the mirror
"Ten years of marriage and I can still get into these pants"
He says "Wish I could"
"Ten years of marriage and I can still get into these pants"
He says "Wish I could"
- Messages
- 30,108
- Name
- George.
- Edit My Images
- No
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"
- Messages
- 1,001
- Name
- John Stewart
- Edit My Images
- Yes
