The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I went out on a date last night, as it was the first meeting I thought I'd splash out and go to a fancy restaurant.
She had frogs legs and chicken breast combo..

Nonetheless she was a good conversationalist, and had a pleasant personality...
 
A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a
cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they
sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the
manager, and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And
this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their
feet.
Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby
players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
 
A man buys a budgie. It keeps repeating "Am a Glesga budgie an am as hard as nails"

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a kestrel .
He put's it in the cage beside the budgie and says
"Let's see how hard you are now"

Next morning the kestrel is dead, budgie says
"Am a Glesga budgie an am as hard as nails"

So the man buys a buzzard and puts it in the cage.
Next morning the buzzard is dead and the budgie says
"Am a Glesga budgie an am as hard as nails"

"Right,then", says the man, goes and buys a golden eagle and puts it in the cage.

Next morning the the eagle's dead and the budgie has no feathers left....

Budgie says "hud tae tak ma jalkit aff fur that yin!"
 
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2016-06-18_14.09.18.jpg &C
 
Gah!
 
But you may have to think about this one ...

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This is easy enough though ;)

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Danny walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Danny replies, “Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.” The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Danny becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Danny looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Its me … I’ve quit drinking!”
 
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a wee wee." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."
 
Mountkeen said:
Top tip.. never ask a dyslexic nurse to prick your boil.
Click to expand...

Sorry to be a pedant but that would imply someone who's dyslexic has trouble interpreting verbal instructions as well as written ;)

DorsetDude said:
Spent 2 hours de-frosting the fridge last night. Or 'foreplay' as she prefers to call it.
Click to expand...

Pedant hat on again....... I've never had to defrost a fridge before, although my freezer has been defrosted several times........ however totally understand the sentiment as I was with a similar woman for about 7 years :LOL:
 
Russ77 said:
Sorry to be a pedant but that would imply someone who's dyslexic has trouble interpreting verbal instructions as well as written ;)



Pedant hat on again....... I've never had to defrost a fridge before, although my freezer has been defrosted several times........ however totally understand the sentiment as I was with a similar woman for about 7 years :LOL:
Click to expand...

Double pedant :)

You're showing your age.' Fridges' as they were called always had to be defrosted, though admittedly they had an icebox - which is kind of apt...
 
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