The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”
So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”
“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.
“Who did they beat?”
“Leeds,” was the reply.
“And the score?”
“2-1.”
“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.
The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting “How”.
The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
 
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
'Well', he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.
'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start..."
 
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start..."
I saw that coming, and was laughing before the end (y)
 
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Comedy legend Doddy's 90 today.
 
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Two businessmen in the Market Hall were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

"You know these senior citizens are such nosy parkers"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar$e-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “ Must be doing well then... only two left."
 
So THAT's where they get camel hair for posh coats!
 
Not sure where I got this but just found it in notes- made me smile though [emoji23]:

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her Husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*****d?!"
 
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Perhaps they just don't like elves?

Christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas, christmas.

Eat that, Legolas!!!
 
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