The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
 
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"Look out Bishop, she can move in any direction"
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I just discovered that Blazing Saddles is 45 years old which makes me feel ancient!
Here's a reminder of Mel Brooke's subtle and sophisticated humour
 
Durex would like to remind us it's valentines day soon :LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:
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I just discovered that Blazing Saddles is 45 years old which makes me feel ancient!
Here's a reminder of Mel Brooke's subtle and sophisticated humour

some quotes from the film

Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: What?
Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: Why, you devious son of a bitch.
[picking up his whiskey bottle]
Jim: Happy days.

Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.

Townsman: [being dragged through the street] Well, that's the end of this suit.

[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]
Bart: Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.
Crowd: [in unison] b******t!
Bart: All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth is getting pretty damn dull around here.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you.
Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.

Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.

Reverend Johnson: Order, order. Goddamnit, I said "order".
Howard Johnson: Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order."
Olson Johnson: Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.

Buddy Bizarre: Cut, cut, cut, this is a closed set.
Taggart: p*** on you, I'm working for Mel Brooks.
[Winds up to punch Buddy Bizarre]
Buddy Bizarre: Not the face. Not the face.
[Taggart complies, punching him in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you.

[Lili Von Schtupp offers Bart a gigantic sausage]
Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: [shocked] Baby. I'm not from Havana.

[to himself, after fooling the town]
Bart: Oh, baby, you're *so* talented... and they are *so* dumb

Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, handsome, is that a ten-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?

Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.

Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: [eagerly] When?

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.

Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. What's your name?
Tex: Tex, ma'am!
Lili Von Shtupp: "Texmam"? Tell me, Texmam, are you in show business?
Tex: Well, no...
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage?

Adolf Hitler: They lose me right after the bunker scene.

Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property: the rightful owners.

Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim
 
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some quotes from the film

Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: What?
Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: Why, you devious son of a bitch.
[picking up his whiskey bottle]
Jim: Happy days.

Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.

Townsman: [being dragged through the street] Well, that's the end of this suit.

[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]
Bart: Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.
Crowd: [in unison] b******t!
Bart: All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth is getting pretty damn dull around here.

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you.
Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.

Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.

Reverend Johnson: Order, order. Goddamnit, I said "order".
Howard Johnson: Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order."
Olson Johnson: Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.

Buddy Bizarre: Cut, cut, cut, this is a closed set.
Taggart: p*** on you, I'm working for Mel Brooks.
[Winds up to punch Buddy Bizarre]
Buddy Bizarre: Not the face. Not the face.
[Taggart complies, punching him in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you.

[Lili Von Schtupp offers Bart a gigantic sausage]
Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: [shocked] Baby. I'm not from Havana.

[to himself, after fooling the town]
Bart: Oh, baby, you're *so* talented... and they are *so* dumb

Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, handsome, is that a ten-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?

Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.

Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: [eagerly] When?

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.

Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. What's your name?
Tex: Tex, ma'am!
Lili Von Shtupp: "Texmam"? Tell me, Texmam, are you in show business?
Tex: Well, no...
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage?

Adolf Hitler: They lose me right after the bunker scene.

Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property: the rightful owners.

Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim

Gabby Johnson: I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin' bushwackin', hornswagglin' cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.

Olson Johnson: [after Gabby Johnson's speech] Now who can argue with that? I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson for clearly stating what needed to be said. I'm particulary glad that these lovely children were here today to hear that speech. Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish, it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age.
 
She's probably phoning him to see where he is and he's deciding whether or not to take the call...
 
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