The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Im careful what i buy on ebay now, i spent £50 on a penis enlarger and all i got was a magnifying glass!!!
 
I forgot Valentine's day last year, not making that mistake again will get some roses today


So did Mrs Nod. At least the cat got me a card and present!
 
Am I right in thinking this Valentine character could do with a bit of a talking to?

Dave
 
Not that any LandRover (as opposed to their more upmarket offerings!) has ever been close to watertight! (My S 2a leaked like a sieve through the floor [which was handy for letting the rain water drain out!] and the Defender 90 wasn't a lot better [but had a much better heater!])
 
Not that any LandRover (as opposed to their more upmarket offerings!) has ever been close to watertight! (My S 2a leaked like a sieve through the floor [which was handy for letting the rain water drain out!] and the Defender 90 wasn't a lot better [but had a much better heater!])
Heater? They had heaters? I am pretty sure the work's LandRover I drove in the very early 1980s had no heater. It also did not have an automatic gearbox - it hd two manual gear levers.
 
Only 2? ;) Some had 3 ("normal" gears, Hi-Lo box, 2/4WD) and some had a PTO selector as well. The Defenders tended to be 2 levers but had decent heaters.
 
Found on tickld a few years ago:

Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing, but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home...

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.
 
So.............the M & S marketing dept has for their major Valentine's Day promotion come up with something they are calling the..... “Love Sausage”?

View attachment 237050

I innocently asked one of my work colleagues this morning if she'd ever tasted one.

My meeting with HR is at 2:00pm

reminds me of

pork-love.jpg
 
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I used to play in a band called The Prevention.
We were much better than The Cure.
 
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Found on tickld a few years ago:

Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing, but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home...

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.


Those are from Fifty Sheds of Grey I think. Really funny stuff.

“Harder, harder! “ she moaned.
“Ok” I said “what’s the population of Peru?”


“I’m going to cause you exquisite pain like you’ve never experienced before” I said as I blindfolded her. Then I covered the floor with Lego and upturned 13 amp plugs.
 
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Really funny stuff.
Indeed,
My all time favourite

As I stared out at the army of strange creatures standing to attention on the lawn, I realised I'd mixed up the slug pellets and the Viagra.
 
Not a joke, but a witty little piece on our favourite United States President:

Someone asked "Why do some British people not like Donald Trump?"

Nate White, an articulate and witty writer from England, wrote this magnificent response:

"A few things spring to mind.

Trump lacks certain qualities which the British traditionally esteem.
For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awareness, no humility, no honour and no grace - all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed.
So for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump’s limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.
Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing - not once, ever.
I don’t say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility - for us, to lack humour is almost inhuman.
But with Trump, it’s a fact. He doesn’t even seem to understand what a joke is - his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.
Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers.
And scarily, he doesn’t just talk in crude, witless insults - he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.
There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It’s all surface.
Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront.
Well, we don’t. We see it as having no inner world, no soul.
And in Britain we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist.
Trump is neither plucky, nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that.
He’s not even a spoiled rich-boy, or a greedy fat-cat.
He’s more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.
And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully.
That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a snivelling sidekick instead.
There are unspoken rules to this stuff - the Queensberry rules of basic decency - and he breaks them all. He punches downwards - which a gentleman should, would, could never do - and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless - and he kicks them when they are down.
So the fact that a significant minority - perhaps a third - of Americans look at what he does, listen to what he says, and then think 'Yeah, he seems like my kind of guy’ is a matter of some confusion and no little distress to British people, given that:
* Americans are supposed to be nicer than us, and mostly are.
* You don't need a particularly keen eye for detail to spot a few flaws in the man.
This last point is what especially confuses and dismays British people, and many other people too; his faults seem pretty bloody hard to miss.
After all, it’s impossible to read a single tweet, or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of s***. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum.
God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid.
He makes Nixon look trustworthy and George W look smart.
In fact, if Frankenstein decided to make a monster assembled entirely from human flaws - he would make a Trump.
And a remorseful Doctor Frankenstein would clutch out big clumpfuls of hair and scream in anguish:
'My God… what… have… I… created?
If being a t*** was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set."
 
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Dear Neighbour

Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. Probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Richard


NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE:

George, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.



SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi George. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
 
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