The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Big Andy said:
After reading that I had to Google it just to see. Unless you work for weight watchers I don't see a problem but then again I'm usually slow on the uptake.
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Well, we had to think of a way of encouraging someone to go first to make sure it was safe, and report back... well done you, jolly good show! :) :exit:
 
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A groom goes upstairs with his new wife on their wedding night. He takes his trousers off and stands by the bed and says to his bride "Will you put my trousers on?". She says "What?". He says, "Go on, just do it for me... please."

"OK", she said, putting on his trousers. The groom looked at her, pointed and said "Now let's get one thing straight, that's the first and last time you'll wear the trousers in this relationship!".

"OK" she replied, taking off the trousers "now come on lover-boy, strip off". The groom eagerly stripped. The bride turned to him and said "Before we get into bed will you put my knickers on?" The groom replied "Don't be silly, I'll never get into those!". To which the bride replied "You're right... and that's the way it's going to stay until you change your bloody attitude!".
 
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
“Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. – Your Husband”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.
 
n0chex said:
I’m so sorry to hear about Meghan Markels car crash next month.
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Don't think it would happen a second time, but aeroplanes do crash, especially in Iran. It was full of Canadians wasnt it. Practice shot?
 
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
 
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