The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
 
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the barman at the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the barman over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"
he told the barman. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the barman.
"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.
"You heard me," said the barman. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary.
 
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life, it's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive, "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start and when to use the brake. And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green. It seems to know Instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking all this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver has so helpful a device, for when we leave and lock the car, it still gives it's advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught, so why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed, It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off!
 
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